It’s been difficult physically and emotionally over this way. I’m struggling to keep sanity it feels like. I feel like I’m on the edge of it. Between my body and nightmares, I’m just exhausted.
I’m hungry. There’s plenty of food to eat but nothing I really want. I just want to sleep off the yuck. What I want is pizza but I don’t want to have to cook it myself. I’m being such a baby.
In therapy today, over the phone, we talked about Michelle who is 15 years old. She really enjoys walking the dog. I also found out she likes our scarves quite a bit, especially the orange ones. There are 5 orange scarves here, lol. They’re added to our coat or jacket and don’t make us look anything like the green lady from Brooklyn we saw online today.
I heard Charles Manson died. I have mixed feelings about that. I heard he was a horrible person and that he suffered with Schizophrenia. I wondered if he at any time used that diagnosis to his benefit by acting ‘crazy’ or was he really criminally insane and Schizophrenic, a distinction being made between the two. There’s always been part of me that wondered if he played to the crowd or if he really was off. I never wondered enough to check into it. Honestly I thought to myself, good, he’s dead but my second thought was, there are others deserving, what of them? There are so many horrific individuals alive. With him in prison, I thought of him as out of the way, a non issue. But then again, I didn’t live through the time when his crimes were committed. I know so little about him or his followers. It seems he’s from an era of peace, love and serial killers. Two of them give me the shivers: Macy and Bundy. Ted Bundy was a coward just like my mother.
In my dream this morning, my mother tore a Doberman with her hands. She ripped him apart then did the same thing to my sister. I was so disgusted by my sister because she was afraid and just gave up. I haven’t felt that way about her in a while but last night’s dream with her sniveling powerlessly before my mother dragged her off and killed her, I was so mad. Why don’t you try fighting? Like I said, I haven’t had feelings of anger towards my sister’s survival responses in quite a while. I have no idea why this issue popped up. We both survived our mother and her family as best we could, sometimes with fear and other times with fight. All we could do was try to survive her. We’re still trying.
This is not a good day. My head isn’t right today and my heart is heavy. It’s not a good day. It’s possible I’m on the edge of crisis.