“She feels in color”

We talked about feeling depressed in a different way than what I’m used to feeling. There’s an underlying feeling of not caring about anything and just wanting someone to take out of my stomach whatever it is that’s eating me alive. I’m so tired right now I can’t see straight. Sleep didn’t come easily.

He said it’ll be important to talk to the medical doctor and to tell her that I wonder if there’s a hormonal connection. Does that play into things?

He said I’m intense right now. It felt like when talking to him that my thoughts were all over the place. I was tired, holding my gigantic bear, facing the wall.

I told him that feeling suicidal isn’t new for me. What’s new is not caring. I always find a way out, always. I don’t always fight because sometimes fighting the situation makes it worse, but I’m not one to throw in the towel anymore.

I usually feel so much that its overwhelming but now all I feel is black, a feeling of despair and that I don’t care. Is that anger? Is that apathy or depression? I don’t know.

I’m waiting on a call back from the medical doctor. She’s talking to staff about possible side effects from the combination that might be causing this. Abilify, Cymbalta, Lyrica, Zanaflex. I’ve been on Cymbalta for a while now but the other three are new, Lyrica is the one that has been added last, twice a day.

A different practitioner familiar with my case for about 7 or 8 years now says that the Lyrica dose I’m on isn’t high but it doesn’t mean I’m not having side effects. He suggested I go back to once a day instead of twice because the suicidal thoughts and real deep depression didn’t hit until I had to take it twice a day. He said the half life on it may suggest why there’s a dip in emotion from bad to worse to even out for a little bit. I take it again and the symptoms start again. I don’t know how to explain that the way it was explained to me.

I feel better having a plan, having a focus on a possible solution to this nightmare. For a girl who feels too much, to intensely, it’s odd to not care about things and odd to only feel emotional pain. I’m reminded of piece She Feels in Color. I do. I used to feel a lot, sometimes too much. What happened to that girl?

Michelle ( age 12-15 ???) wanted to make sure Dr. D knows this isn’t her fault, that the pain isn’t coming from her, the anxiety we’re feeling isn’t the same as what comes from her. This is so very different. Also, we will write up some information about her for Dr. D and talk to him about it. Michelle is having a lot of fun with the dog. She loves Clyde to pieces.


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