Feelings upon waking:
Fearful. Fearful! I was trembling as my mind went over the crazy parts of this dramatic dream. After I woke I kept saying, ‘I’m sorry’ over and over again as if somehow dreaming something so violent was my fault. In addition to that guilt, there was guilt for not helping the man in the hallway who was viciously and savagely killed. I listened to him scream and die while cowering behind the closet door. I was anxious and regrettably chewed up my fingers. This is self harm.
This dream is one day old but it’s still a heavy one for me, especially since it resulted in an attack on myself. Why self-injury? To change the fear emotion that overtook me and to counter, over shadow flashbacks caused by the dream. I was shaking in bed, apologizing out loud for being weak. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences of my actions. I was caught in emotion. I was not thinking straight. Another apology is needed, this time to myself.
I am reminded of listening to my siblings being abused, listening to them scream while hiding under the covers or in my head. It’s almost worse listening to this than being abused myself. I remember my sister and brother’s screams to this day.
As a child and young adult there was a legitimate fear of being stabbed to death by my mother. She said my smart mouth would make her lose it and she’d gut me without being able to stop herself. I’m not a fan of knives.
I see quite a few emotional situations managed at home: guilt, powerlessness, morbid fear, being trapped. I also see the inability to trust. The nice people appeared to be one way but were actually another. They talked to me while slyly taking my place in line. I’m not surprised by the woman and her ‘problem’. People say crazy crap to me all the time. It’s amazing some of the stuff people try to pull with me.
In dream therapy they ask us to change part or all of the dream to have a more empowering ending. I would not change the part where the people tricked me into thinking they were nice. I got a free pie out of it. I wouldn’t change the part where I was helped home by the nice employee. I would change the presence of the perp. He went to a neighbor’s house that day with a knife and the ability to kill. The dream would pick up just before he got to my building,
The nice employee and I are about to cross the street but several ambulances converged on the corner and directed us to cross elsewhere. As we walked one block down we could see a man under a white sheet who had been hit by a dump truck. “How terrible,” I said. The police explained to the distraught driver of the truck that they understood how bad he felt for killing a man but that who had been hit was an habitual criminal, a wanted felon. The driver was still upset.
My chaperone and I made our way to my apartment where I closed and locked the door behind me. I enjoyed my hamburger and a large slice of pie. He went back to work to make more pies.
The perp was hit while crossing the street to my building where he would have taken three innocent lives. If the dream happened that way it would have been upsetting but I wouldn’t have been so shaken. I think I can let the dream go after adjusting some of its details.