Dr. D and I discussed the paragraph in my entry where I said I feel as though he drops the ball when the issue of suicide comes up.
When I first went in to therapy I was nervous. I didn’t want to be there at all because I knew I was going to talk to him about feeling less than fully supported by my therapist on the issue of suicidality. I feared he’d become defensive but he didn’t.
I told him that he does ask questions but that its just information, nothing is done with it. It just hangs there. I said, you do ask how I’m doing but there’s little of no response after I answer. I explained that when we talk about my anxiety he probes. He asks how I intend to manage it. I said, you are interested, concerned about those levels and it shows because you engage me. I explained that I don’t feel the same level of interest or concern when discussing suicide. I said, you know, sometimes I call you and ask one question, “Am I going to be okay?” I started crying at that point and cried through the entire session.
When I mentioned the phone calls asking if I’m going to be okay, Dr. D said, “That statement may be why I don’t further engage your suicidal symptoms. I have confidence that you’re going to be okay.” I said, “I know you have confidence in me and my coping skills but sometimes I don’t and I need you to help me find my way back to confidence.” He said he understood and that he would certainly change the way we work together with this issue.
I explained that right now the suicidal feelings are fueled by something I’m not used to: hormones and medication withdrawal. If my depression and suicidal feelings were based on memories and flashbacks I’d be a little more confident. However, I came up with a plan to hurt myself. I was shocked that it popped into my head that way. It took two weeks of deep depression, stomach locking despair, before a way to kill myself popped into my head! Two weeks is all it took. That’s scary to me. It’s scary to me that a plan would pop into my head with such impulse to do it. That is not me. That is not what Faith Austin does. Faith finds a way out and around. I get angry. I get depressed. I fall for a while, face down, then I get back up. For the love of all that is holy, my thoughts don’t immediately go to suicide and they don’t so quickly go to a plan of how to do it. So no, I don’t share the confidence he has that I’ll be okay.
We talked about the issues with Perimenopause and how the depression in my stomach is so heavy it feels like my stomach is on the floor and that I’m going to be pulled down with it. I’m dragging around a bolder in my stomach. I was telling him this and I just kept crying. I said, Dr. L (general practitioner) suggested two supplements which I purchased today. He asked about finances and I told him that if I’d gotten them from the drug store or Walmart I would have had to pay cash, but I purchased them from the bulk section of the health food store which meant I could pay in food stamps. It was a simple as asking in what forms they carry Dong quai and Black cohosh. Once I realized they had it in bulk bins I knew I could secure the needed supplements. I picked them up after therapy and have already had a strong cup of tea with both of them mixed. Being holistic leaning and experienced meant the earthy taste wasn’t a big deal. If I can drink smokey Lapsang souchong or dirty tasting Valerian then I’m good with the two new supplements.
The session went well. He and I both used as many I messages as possible and neither of us felt attacked. We both felt heard. It was a good session.