It’s cold,
dead cold
freezing my bones in place.
bones that aren’t, squeak and squawk
at the audacious request to carry me.

It’s supposed to be bitter cold for the next 10 days. I just want the barometric pressure to stabilize, at least my pain would be tolerable. Right now my hands and knees are screaming.

This is year three that I’ve turned the heat on in the entire apartment instead of just using the heat settings in my room. I have baseboard heaters, not centralized heating with ventilation. These are like glorified space heaters for each room which is why the heating bill I just got is a whopping $107.00 for 650 sq feet.

For the first 3 years here I only heated the bedroom in the winter because I couldn’t afford to heat the entire house. I still can’t but my body can’t take the huge temperature difference between my room and the rest of the house. There’s no heat at all in the restroom, no heating system provided. Soooo, I’ve put this all in the hands of my Creator, turned on the heat in the living room and bedroom and hope I can pay the bills. To sit in cold won’t help anything.

Clyde has done a lot of compression therapy with my legs which has been very helpful. My physical therapist suggested I start doing desensitization therapy for my most sensitive areas. It’s to train my brain to stop believing I’m in pain just because I’m touched. The pain signals are all messed up. Well, I rejected the therapy in office but Clyde has been helpful in this area. Touching my back or legs can be excruciating for me. Since Clyde likes to stay close this means he’s touching areas that usually aren’t touched due to pain. I’m getting regular touch in the most painful areas so in a way I’m doing some desensitization work.

Clyde will all but wrap his body around me while I’m sitting up. His head will be at my right side with his body wrapped around me with his feet landing on my left side. He wraps himself pretty tight and is very close. I didn’t know he’d do this, he just does it. This means he’s touching my lower back, so I’m also getting some desensitization work in this area. The constant pressure and warm helps the muscles relax. Besides health benefits, it’s nice to snuggle with my buddy.

I’m happy to report that there’s a significant difference in hormonal fluctuations and suicidal thinking. I’m going to go ahead and pick up some Black Cohosh from Walmart because it turns out it’s only $3.65 for 100 capsules. This will be in addition to using the tea. My instructions for how to use these seems strange but like I said, it’s working. I’m grateful for the guidance.

The relief from perimenopausal symptoms and Gabapentin withdrawal makes physical pain easi-er to take. I’ve been talking to my Creator concerning this issue. I told him I’m unable to manage mental illness and health issues to this extent. I’ve felt myself crack. I told him when I crack I lose strength that I don’t get back, strength I need to keep going. I’ve asked for courage and resilience to see this through, however it plays out.


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