Sleep. Suicidal Relief. Perimenopause.

The Three - My Face My ArtWow. I can’t seem to wake up. I just sleep and sleep. At least its quality sleep though. I’m not having nightmares. I don’t know what the issue is but man I can’t wake up.

I have a little more motivation which was needed. I wasn’t getting much done. The depression saw to it that every task from making a sandwich to changing my clothes seem a monumental task. There was no motivation to do anything. The depression was sneaking up on me again and can be felt still but not to the same level. I’d say I went from an 8 depression to a 6 depression. My personal level six depression is still motivation starved but I’m able to function better. I don’t function at a level 8 depression.

I’m aware that this depression is perimenopause related because it’s deep and has no specific situation attached to it that warrants this level of despair. I can only describe my hormonal depression that way. It’s a faceless depression, deep, very dark and it rips my stomach out. Depression associated with flashbacks comes with flashbacks and mental torture, hormonal depression is faceless. It leaves me searching for why.

I realized something the other day. After my brother died I began having issues with suicidal thinking but that moved right into a huge hormonal shift that saw suicidal planning. This means that for nearly a year, suicide has been a problem for me. The only difference is that with my brother it was suicidal thinking and feelings whereas hormonal depression lead to near hospitalization. I felt I had control of my thinking and impulses when it came to grief but hormonal depression didn’t offer the same control. Having a better understanding of the hormonal depression gives me strength to fight through it. It may be faceless but it does have a name and that gives me something to identify and fight.

I have to say, Black Cohosh and Dong Quai make a huge difference in how I manage hormones. Another benefit is that since drinking the tea my hot flashes have all but stopped. I’m now transitioning from tea to capsules in the hope of more consistent results for mood, motivation and hormonal balance. If I could just get back to my normal depressed self that would be good. lol.

Art Title: The Three
My Face My Art
The image was taken of the top of my head. I combined a photo of myself as a child looking just like my little brother at that age. I then added an art piece called African Notes. A few filters later we have “The Three.”


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