I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.
I cried from open to close of the session. It’s been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it’s reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I’m surprised I was able to stay awake for the session.
I told Dr. D what was in the entry where I said I’m upset with him. He doesn’t agree with my assessment. I didn’t expect him to. He asked what he could do differently and I said, “follow through, not once, not twice but continued support for this one single issue.” I said, If you say we’re going to talk about it then we should talk about it. If you say we’re going to work on it in therapy then we should.
He asked what I needed from him. I said, for the last year I’ve been walking a thin line of depression and suicide. He said, “Yes.” I said, I’ve told Snow about it and I’ve told you, but not once has anyone said, “Don’t do it.” People should not assume that its known. People should not assume that I know they don’t want me out of their lives. I just needed to hear someone tell me not to do it. When I said that to Snow she was surprised because she said she thought it was a given. Well, when a person’s head is full of depression then nothing is a given.
I’m not asking to be rescued. I wanted to know if secretly it would be easier for me to be dead than to keep living and causing upset. I want to know if in the long run I would relieve many without my presence. Snow said, “No. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” I really needed to hear it. I didn’t expect Dr. D to say it for some ethical reason but he did. He said, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to do it. He said it and I could tell he meant it. I just needed to hear it.
The other day it occurred to me how much those messages mean to me. I wrote about it in a little drawing called Depression is a liar. It’s on the far right side of the piece.
I told Dr. D I’m still talking still looking for reasons to hold on. However, when I get too quiet, when I refuse to talk about it then worry should set in. I told him I won’t lie to him.
He asked if I want to go to the hospital. I said no. He asked why. I said because it’s not helpful. No thanks. I’ll take my chances here at home. He said, how do I know you’re not going to hang up and kill yourself. I said, because I told you I’m not. I go in to see him Friday.
The Black Cohosh was doubled. I’ll start taking Dong quai in pill form next month when I get paid on the 3rd. For now I’ll continue to drink the Dong quai tea.
I think I cried enough in that session to totally dehydrate myself.