I read to him the entry I wrote about being angry with him. I then assured him I will not lie to him about feeling suicidal or depressed. I need to trust him and he needs to trust me.

I cried from open to close of the session. It’s been a hard day physically and emotionally. I had to take pain medication because of spasms in my legs and stomach. I tried to manage as long as I could without pain meds but after a bit it’s reasonable to take a dose to ease things up. I also took some of my Passion Flower tincture to help ease anxiety associated with pain. I’m surprised I was able to stay awake for the session.

I told Dr. D what was in the entry where I said I’m upset with him. He doesn’t agree with my assessment. I didn’t expect him to. He asked what he could do differently and I said, “follow through, not once, not twice but continued support for this one single issue.” I said, If you say we’re going to talk about it then we should talk about it. If you say we’re going to work on it in therapy then we should.

Depression is a liarHe asked what I needed from him. I said, for the last year I’ve been walking a thin line of depression and suicide. He said, “Yes.” I said, I’ve told Snow about it and I’ve told you, but not once has anyone said, “Don’t do it.” People should not assume that its known. People should not assume that I know they don’t want me out of their lives. I just needed to hear someone tell me not to do it. When I said that to Snow she was surprised because she said she thought it was a given. Well, when a person’s head is full of depression then nothing is a given.

I’m not asking to be rescued. I wanted to know if secretly it would be easier for me to be dead than to keep living and causing upset. I want to know if in the long run I would relieve many without my presence. Snow said, “No. I don’t want you to hurt yourself.” I really needed to hear it. I didn’t expect Dr. D to say it for some ethical reason but he did. He said, I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I don’t want you to do it. He said it and I could tell he meant it. I just needed to hear it.

The other day it occurred to me how much those messages mean to me. I wrote about it in a little drawing called Depression is a liar. It’s on the far right side of the piece.

I told Dr. D I’m still talking still looking for reasons to hold on. However, when I get too quiet, when I refuse to talk about it then worry should set in. I told him I won’t lie to him.

He asked if I want to go to the hospital. I said no. He asked why. I said because it’s not helpful. No thanks. I’ll take my chances here at home. He said, how do I know you’re not going to hang up and kill yourself. I said, because I told you I’m not. I go in to see him Friday.

The Black Cohosh was doubled. I’ll start taking Dong quai in pill form next month when I get paid on the 3rd. For now I’ll continue to drink the Dong quai tea.

I think I cried enough in that session to totally dehydrate myself.


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