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I feel fear more than anything else. I'm afraid of the pain, afraid of vulnerability, helplessness and being left alone for long periods of time. I fear what I can't do such a get up on my own. Every time they put the wheelchair beside the bed and have me sit to get in it, there's a feeling of dread. I dread trying to move legs I can't feel.

I fear falling. I fear angering people who may take advantage of my vulnerable state and hurt me physically.
I do my best not to be ruled by these fears but I certainly feel them.

A change that took place today is that my insurance no longer pays for a private room. In a few hours I'll switch to a serious down grade, w a roommate. When I heard I just cried. I have to figure out what happened and get my room back. They're going to move me to long-term nursing care room w a roommate. I'm not happy! This all happened so fast and it makes me nervous.

Despite not even being able to get out of bed on my own or even being able to change my own depends, insurance feels I'm ready to return home w skilled nursing help. Um, no! What home? I still don't have an apartment.

My head is swimming. Things change so drastically.

Update : see comment section concerning now having a private room in long-term care.


Published on Categories Lupus, The People Behind My Eyes

About Faith

SUNDRIP – Art for Life is a site that expresses in every media possible an intimate look into the life of a person living with major trauma. The issues addressed in art and writing include Dissociative Identity Disorder, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Lupus and CRSD. Despite these issues, I intend to move forward, through and out with honor, grace and creativity.

4 thoughts on “Fear

  1. patchesmany

    Thinking of and praying for you as you navigate these changes. The idea you are ready to return home boggles my mind and angers me as how insurance is all about the dollar signs.

    1. Faith

      It's insane . I'm a week and a half away from another surgery. Not ready for home yet, not even w nurses.
      Rolling w the punches...


    2. Faith

      You know stuff changes so quickly w me. Well, as I was beginning wheeled to the simi private room, I was informed that there was a man who signed himself out AMA. He had the only private room on the wing. Guess who has a private room in long-term care? Yup, me. I'm now in long-term nursing care and will remain here for quite some time.... or until things change again. ❤ I'm very happy to be in a private room!


No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.

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