Battling Fear

I’ve withdrawn from friends as I battle depression and discouragement. I’m easily irritated and annoyed. I’m anxious and generally uncomfortable and unhappy. However, I’m working hard to manage these feelings so I can stay on the road to recovery.

There isn’t just one thing I can point to and say, This is the problem. It’s the situation, the foot, lack of independence and feeling like I don’t have control of my life. This is so big. I swear I just want to run from it all.

My last surgery needed is May 7th at 11am. Despite it being an amputation surgery, I won’t be fully put under. They’re going to use a nerve block and meds to relax me. Because things change so much, I’d rather just post the date and surgery, let it happen then talk about it more. Soooo, surgery May 7th w details to come.

I try not to be overwhelmed by fear. Yesterday I realized I feel guilty about being as afraid as I am. I don’t feel paralyzed but I am affected by it. And, instead of beating myself up, I’ve been thinking of ways to feel encouraged and empowered. I’ve reviewed positive steps taken this week and I’ve set a goal to allow the fear to run its course instead of forcing it off the road. I’m going to have to work with it in a positive way and see it as part of the situation not as my enemy. My emotions are not my enemy. No matter how strong, they will not destroy me. I know this to be true.

Good things that happen this week

I controlled my temper and didn’t lose it when I felt hurt.
Letting go, not trying to control everything, makes life easier.
I’m using 7 lb dumbbells on both arms.
I can stand for 7 minutes w the assistance of a walker.
To better control incontinence, I am training my body to go to the restroom at certain times.
I’m strong enough to transfer from the wheelchair to the toilet w/o assistance.
I got to garden outside and get soil on my hands. It was great.
The physical therapist and I played a leisurely game of catch which I always find enjoyable.
My friend is bringing my Jade garden up here to put on my desk. Happy. Happy. Happy.
I sold 2 paintings this week. Yay for me!

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