I take life for granted until I go head first into a moment that tangles with sobriety. My eyes are wide open to how fragile people are and how they too live life blinded, until they absolutely have to see.
I’ve got another blood clot situation. My fear is that it’ll threaten the left leg.
The other day I was tucked in bed when it hit me – I miss popcorn. I miss homemade, buttery, kernel corn. I miss fruit drinks on movie night. What I really miss is life as I knew it. I miss the chaotic apartment, the art, the high and driven spirit that set goals, and wanted to live as more than a survivor. The more I let myself think about what I miss, the further away I got from acceptance of this new life and its possibilities.
I’m not emotionally strong enough to look back and think about what I miss. I have to focus forward. I have to work on accepting or letting go according to my abilities. It’s hard to focus that much though. It’s hard not to panic and scream, IT’S NOT FAIR! I know it’s not fair. I absolutely know it but to sit in that right now isn’t going to help anything. It won’t help me focus on the things that are within my control. I need to focus on options and care plans not each piece of life I miss. If I do that I’ll rob myself of much needed energy. I need all my energy because Lord knows I’m tired.