I stay seconds from tears. I can laugh and engage but it feels like tears are just behind my eyes waiting to escape. Today I listened to a set of symposiums on courage and just balled my eyes out. I do not feel courageous, I feel broken. I feel like I’ve got a lot to be happy about but lately tears have remained in my eyes.
I’m tired. I cleaned my little apartment today then went to the grocery story. That took a lot out of me. My foot is screaming! What’s new? The pain all over my body is unbearable. It makes me want to do anything at all to make it stop. The pain is so bad that I have come to understand why people with Lupus or other chronic pain turn to heroin or meth. That sounds extreme until you’ve bitten your lips bloody, squinted hard enough to see stars and gritted your teeth like a saw. It hurts. It hurts every single day, day in, day out, without let up. My body burns, throbs and sends shock waves through the amputation sight. Then my fingers and toes go cold, so cold it hurts to the point of driving me mad. So yeah, I understand why people turn to hard core drugs. Just one moment, one tiny moment of relief is all we seek, sometimes at any cost. I will not judge anyone for falling into that pit. I get it.
Please don’t think I’m about to go try street drugs to ease the pain of amputation and neuropathy and Lupus, and all the other stuff I’ve got going on. I’m just saying that I get the desperation. Right now I have no marijuana to assist with the pain so I’m taking it full brunt. I hope to get some soon.
I’m exhausted today but the day is not over. There’s still stuff to do that I can’t let go over night. I’ll take it slowly and remember its okay to cry.