I can’t seem to get my head together. I’m physically and emotionally frayed. I’ve been trying my best all day to gather myself and settle my insides. I’m worried about my foot because it’s split in a T shape in one spot then open in two other spots. The surgery was May 7th but with Lupus, healing has been compromised. We’re back to treating the areas with honey.

I see the surgeon in October. I hope it’s healed by then. In my head I fear disappointing him if it’s not healed. Will he ask me why. What did I do to it? Did I neglect it? Why didn’t I follow instructions? I did. I have followed instructions to the letter, even putting that horrid cocoa butter on myself despite hating the scent. I finished his painting, no problems there. I knew I’d knock it out because there was so much emotion involved. I could see the painting in my head. Perhaps the painting will ease other disappointments that my foot has yet to heal. 

I totally hate my new prosthesis. I hate it. I walk better without it and refuse to wear it. The surgeon ordered it for me but no matter what flack I get from him, I’m not wearing that monstrosity. They couldn’t even make it one color. The stupid thing is three colors. Like it didn’t matter to me or something. There’s a metal insert for the shoe that I will wear, but other than that insert I refuse to do the prosthesis. With the full prosthesis I wear an 8.5 on one side and a size 10 on the other. Now ask me why I won’t wear it!!!!!! I can walk with the bar insert, screw the rest.

In other complaints, I’m without a CNA right now so I’m here struggling. I had an accident which humiliated me but I tried to push it out of my head and just accept it as one of those things that happens now.

I still don’t have full use of my left hand. I’m just mad today, unsettled and mad.

It feels dirty in here because I’ve got a lot of stuff sitting around waiting to be filed through to figure out what is being kept and what I’m tossing out. Me and clutter aren’t friends.

I have to find a way to settle myself or I’m not going to get to sleep. I’ve got a very long day tomorrow.

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