The first CNA they sent me didn’t work out. I’m not sure what the company was thinking. Here’s the text sent to a friend who is still in the nursing home dealing with CNA’s, nurses and roommates from hell.

“Oh Lord! My new CNA is 70 years old. I was like, what? Who sends a 70 year old woman to help a person in a wheelchair? It’s her job so I’m not holding back. I have her act as my legs. I like her but I have a feeling she’ll quit by winter. She says the laundry room from my apartment is too far to walk and the trash cans are so far they might as well be in a different zip code. lol My thought? Stop being a CNA BEFORE the age of 70 or don’t complain about the distance you’ve got to walk. 70! They can’t be serious. Thank goodness I know CPR. I may have to do it on her aged self after she gets back from the trash.

Update: They’re sending me a younger CNA Monday morning, 8 am. We’ll see how that goes. lol. The 70 yr old CNA and I talked frankly about her inability to handle my case. Crazy to send her to me.”

You know what I always worry about? How will she feel about seeing my little nub, the amputation site? Will she be grossed out? Is it ugly to her? Am I ugly to her? The thought now is, it’s not ugly, it just is what it is, but it’s not ugly. I’m not ugly because I’ve had an amputation. Slowly, I’ve gone from ashamed of the amputation to ‘just’ being a bit self conscious. Lets hope that a CNA is used to seeing such things because I have such things. Then again, I’d hate to whip it out – Bamb! – then have her pass out on my floor.

When I was in the hospital I made sure visitors weren’t subjected to how my feet looked. For two months they were black and looked like something out of a crypt. I made sure visitors never walked in to see the horror. It was truly horrific to see, bad enough to have doctors bring students in to look at my feet and photograph them for class. I should have charged for the numerous student visits and photographs. Hindsight is 20/20.

Transmetatarsal amputation

Because of the Lupus, the foot is still trying to heal. It’s been since May 7th but I’ve got a small area, one and a half inches, that is still open and draining. The little area is right on the nerve so it hurts like all get out. Neuropathy in that foot is pretty bad.

As far as walking goes, I can walk around the house pretty well, and without the cane, but not in the store and places like that. I need my wheelchair to go anywhere. I’ve got quite a limp going on, too. I still don’t use the prosthesis bc I think it’s crappy. I walk better without it anyway. I make friends nervous because they think I’m going to fall but I feel steady enough so I hobble around here getting into this and that for about 10 min at a time.

The small painting I did is in oil crayon. It’s of a little girl who feels ugly.
Ugly Me by Sundrip

Tomorrow the new, younger, able bodied CNA will be here bright and early. She and I will start with some floor exercises then move right back into some of the yoga poses I was doing before all this happened. The old CNA could never have helped me off the floor…. and I’m not pressing my ‘life alert’ button every time I do floor exercises and can’t get up.


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