Dr. D and I talked about the CNA that showed up today who was absolutely perfect. It went so well I had to call the supervisor to tell her so. That’s when I found out I don’t get to keep her but for one more visit. I hate that. The CNA and I also did some much needed organizing of the walk in closet. I so needed that help. You know what she did that felt so good? When it came time for me to soak my foot, she got a wash cloth then got real close to my foot and asked if I wanted her to wash the amputation site. She didn’t act disgusted at all. I needed that. I really, really needed that. I didn’t let her do it, but the gesture was healing.
Dr. D and I talked about what level of anger or resentment is left after having the amputation. I told him what I wrote yesterday, there is emotional trauma after watching it rot and emotional trauma after seeing the open wound on my foot. It’s not like what one sees in the movies. The movies don’t show what some surgeons do or blood or nasty wounds that stay for months on end. The TV didn’t prepare me for seeing 2 inches wide and 10 inches long cut open like so much skillet steak. No staples, no stitches, just an open, smooth edge cut through my foot. I saw the red, beefy flesh of where my toes used to be and that is flat out traumatizing.
Every time the bandaged were changed it hurt like all get out and there was the image of butchery. That’s what I waited two long months for, what feels like butchery. Now, the wound has closed together and has won praise from other doctors who call it ‘beautiful work.’ However, at the time of it being wide open it was anything but pretty. I call it butchery because something was taken from my body with medical trauma not because he did a bad job. I call the procedure of amputation butchery, not his work.
I may be bold enough to put socked feet up here but never will I post a photo of the foot without socks or photos of what my foot looked like when it was black and dying.
Dr. D and I talked about how much switching I do now, which is very little. He asked why. I said, heck, there’s very few to switch to anymore. lol. Dr. D and I have done a lot of integration work. I may not switch as often but they still talk a lot which makes it loud in my head.
Michelle (12) is stressed and wants to cut but doesn’t. Dr. D asked why but she elected not to tell him. Robert (19) is very protective of us right now and wants to close ranks. The little ones, who haven’t come out since we left the hospital, ask for candy. Today the CNA was changing bed linens and picked up our bear Bernhardt. She hugged him a bit which got much objection inside from the little ones. 🙂 Jordan (19) is around the most.
Last week I had one issue with depersonalization, where my body didn’t feel like it belonged to me. I didn’t recognize my hands and was very afraid to see them so I kept them out of sight. Seeing them scared me because it didn’t register that they are mine. It was as if someone’s hands just came out of nowhere, which would scare the crap out of anyone. Then there was one issue where I could feel my mother on me. That hasn’t happened in quite some time.
I fell asleep soon after the session. I go in to see him at his office at the end of the month.
Depersonalization – a state in which one’s thoughts and feelings seem unreal or not to belong to oneself, or in which one loses all sense of identity.