It was a packed session. We started off talking about what took place in the hospital yesterday. I was given news that should have made me happy but I can’t seem to trust it. I’m still ‘stage four’ Lupus with issues associated with my kidneys and vascular system but the medications are working very well and have stabilized me. I have no new blood clots. I still have a lot of nerve damage but I can walk and that is something they weren’t positive would happen. There’s still a long way to go with my nerves healing which means I hurt quite a bit, but I am stable and out of the woods.

I told Big E, my Oncologist, that I want to be happy about the news but I’m still shell shocked. I said, it was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. He said, I know, I was there. When he said that I wanted to cry. I was so happy he said it. He was there, every single solitary day for three months he showed up by my bedside. Week days and weekends Big E was in my room checking on me, three months straight!

When I talked to Big E he said my case is a miracle because I should not have pulled through, not with all the things I had going on. He said people come to his office with terminal illness only, hardly ever does it turn out that a patient ends up in his office and live. He deals with terminal patients not those with hope, so he said he loves seeing me. That makes me smile through tears and it makes me feel guilty that I lived when others didn’t.

Dr. D and I discussed my sister for a little bit. She came up because I said that I’d forgiven my mother for the most part. Forgiving her opened up the way to forgive others and to receive forgiveness. Being able to accept forgiveness is just as important as being able to give it. I said, there isn’t forgiveness for my sister. It’s going to take time but right now she hasn’t been given it. I had hoped so much that we could finally be sisters but her hatred for me is too rooted in our abusive past that it is her fire and security. It will not change and I will no longer hope in that change.

There’s a Scripture that talks about how there’s a time for war and a time for peace, “5 A time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing; 6 A time to search and a time to give up as lost; a time for holding on and a time for letting go.” Ecclesiastes 3:5-6. I have to let her and the fantasy of being sisters go. Have I lost the war by letting go or am I restoring inner peace?

We talked briefly about the gratitude journal and how easy it is to just play around Gratitude Circumstances Butterfliespasting butterflies and tossing on watercolor here and there. I still struggle to paint otherwise but at least I can put down color in my journal.

I am absolutely grateful that my circumstances are such that when I need to take a day to rest I can. There are many who still have to work, who are raising and supporting a family with chronic illness and chronic pain. They can’t always stop and say, if I go further I’m in trouble. I can, and I’m grateful for that.

Last but not least, frogs. I must, absolutely must, get frogs in this house next month! If I don’t hear the croaking of these critters and see their green selves smiling I’m gonna cry real big tears. I need frogs in me life. Argh, it’s been too long! I have Chance, the Crowntail blue Betta fish by my bed. He’s doing very well.

Chance the Betta Fish


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