I understand that my biological response to many things is still as if my body is fighting like when I was abused or when I was having medical trauma from a young age. My adrenal system fights so hard, as if it has to, still. All that adrenaline causes anxiety because I’m still trying to run despite there being no where to run. I feel trapped in my anxiety.
I sometimes respond strong emotionally when I don’t mean to.
Right now I’m feeling very stressed by things: stressed about the CNA situation and about not having frogs. I know it sounds so insane that I’d be stressed without frogs but I’m stressed without something to care for, fuss over and love. There’s nothing here to love!
I’m stressed when people ask me for free art and I have to tell them no because I must be compensated just like any other profession. It makes me feel like a stingy grouch for saying no yet they are unaware of how offensive it is to ask for free art. I am protective of my art. I don’t give it away anymore. I put my heart into it. I nearly emotionally bleed on the page sometimes so why would I hand you my sweat and blood at no cost so you can put it in a book for sale? And yet I come off sounding horrible for saying no. And I am anxious for saying no. I’m self employed. I get paid when goods are purchased. I pay bills like everyone else with the money from a purchase, but I don’t think the people who ask for free art stop and think of it that way. They don’t mean to be offensive but they are. So, my adrenaline system kicks in and I’m in fight or flight, protective of my art, not wanting it in a book I don’t know anything about. I guess too you could say I’m not looking to be exposed that way.
Let me reiterate, I’m in fight mode over something that doesn’t require fight mode. I’m trying to find my way to grounding, to reason. I’ve explained to the person my stand and hope that she will respect it and won’t attempt to put it in her book anyway. I can’t sit and worry about what might happen, that someone might reject my legal copyright. She may very well be a reputable and respectful person so again, this fight or flight is strictly about me and about how my mind and body still respond to perceived ‘threats’ that come in.
I wish I could say that this will end but that would be a lie. My biological response is now fight or flight but at least I recognize it and recognize that the person isn’t trying to ‘get me’ or ‘get over on me’. This response is about my trauma, period. I can own that but it hurts. It’s confusing and hard to find my footing. Thank goodness I’m in therapy.