Dreams: Burying Fantasies

Content: Aunt tried to kill herself. Brief discussion of cocaine. Death.

The gist is that my aunt refused to call me by my name, called me everything else. I refused to answer. Then she called me a ‘bitch’ so I gave her a full account of how much I hate her. I reminded her that she has “everything” others work their whole lives for: a boat, house, vacations, good job, yet she’s unhappy. I went as far as to tell her that even though everyone else knows it, she’s in love with someone who doesn’t love her back and that’s the real reason she’s unhappy. I said she should let his gay self go and find a straight man.

My mother was right there beside me. I turned to her and told her she was no better because she too was in love with someone unavailable so why was she agreeing with what I said and backing me up? Later my aunt buried herself in 3 feet of soil to kill herself. We searched the yard and found the site and began to dig. Finally we got shovels and dug her out. My mother ordered an ambulance and told them she wanted my aunt in the psych ward and a full toxicology evaluation on her because she suspected cocaine in her system.

The ambulance came and put my aunt in handcuffs then put her in the back. She was furious and asked for her attorney. My mother again asked for a toxicology screen. My two siblings, a cousin and a third adult were stunned. Everyone but the siblings were to go to the hospital. They wanted me and my siblings to stay behind at the burial site. For a little bit I did but I went over to my cousin and told him I needed to go to the hospital. He asked why. I said, because I need adult support. “I JUST DUG UP MY AUNT,” I screamed. He took me to my mother who was rather irritated that I showed up at to the hospital. I woke from there.

How typical to leave me out of something so important as the care of my aunt who just tried to kill herself, as if somehow I’d be ok sitting at “the kiddie table” while she recovered in the hospital. I just dug the woman up. Yes, I hate her in real life and hated her in the dream, but I dug the woman up! I should at least be treated as if it would affect me. They acted like it wouldn’t which is what bothers me the most. I was always told I have no heart and that things don’t affect me. It’s not true, it wasn’t then either. One can’t dig up the body of their live aunt and feel nothing.

My aunt was never a drug user, never an alcoholic or anything close to it. She does, however, have the life people believe they want. She also had Leukemia and a 5 year life expectancy a good 3 years ago. She can’t get a bone marrow match. I worry about her death. I said in the dream that I hate her. In real life I hate he as well….or maybe not to the fullest extent because the thought of her death pains me. It pains me because, though she is a selfish witch, she is the support system for my sister whom I do love.

In therapy we’ve been dealing with letting my sister go, not contacting her at all, just letting her go. The abuse she doles out is insufferable. It’s not something I need to deal with. She said she doesn’t care if I live or die. She let me stay in the hospital for 3 months and in the nursing home for 2 under that statement. That’s the statement that says to me, Faith, it’s past time to let go of the fantasy that you will ever, ever reconnect in a healthy way. I’d have given anything to see my sister walk through the hospital door to see me. I wanted it so bad I couldn’t see straight but the truth is, she really doesn’t care if I live or die. She left me there and never asked a single person how I was doing. It is this sister that needs the support of my aunt with Leukemia, the one who in the dream was in perfect health but tried to kill herself.

I feel like it’s right to fight for my sister no matter how much it costs me, but it’s not. Love doesn’t hurt like this. Living with the knowledge that my sister doesn’t love me at all is unbearably painful, painful enough to make me vomit.

I’m going to try to go back to sleep. I’ve got a full day ahead of me.

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