(sigh) I saw The Surgeon for the last time yesterday afternoon. I didn’t expect him to hug me but I’m glad he did. I gave him his painting and as expected, I cried at the end. As a matter of fact I got in the car, went to the store, purchased 4 pints of ice cream and a dozen donuts to sooth those tears. Strawberry and Death by Chocolate seemed like good band-aides. I ate a few of the donuts but left the ice cream lot untouched in the freezer…….This is all so painfully unnatural.

I have a hard time letting go of him right now so I was given 3 spider plant starts from his office. How cool is that? His office is the one who gave me the push to set up my 3 gallon Betta ‘bowl’. They’ve got a set up on each desk when you first walk in that are gorgeous. I so want to do a second Betta set up. Anyway….

My CNA showed up an hour and 45 min late today. (shakes head). Her employer doesn’t seem to mind, but I do. There were things that needed to get done that didn’t bc there wasn’t time. She watered the plants, did a scant few dishes and took me to get crickets for the frogs.

In four hours time we should have been able to get the linens done and get me showered, but nope. She left. Yet, I’m the one who has a problem bc I complain to the company about her being late then cutting my time short.

It doesn’t seem to matter what company I go to, I get either a crazy CNA or a lazy CNA but I’m not going to get a good one. I used to think it was me until I met others who have in-home care and express the same sort of things: lateness, stealing, crossing boundaries, outright abuse. I’ve experienced it all.

My current CNA is interesting to say the least, oh so interesting. (sigh) Interesting is overrated. She won’t be back until Wednesday. I should be nice and foul by then.

I’m struggling and I know it, so I have some self care to do today, something good and comforting. A hot meal is in order. The prep work was done for a lasagna yesterday so I can always toss that together. We cooked the meat and stored the cooked noodles. All I have to do is put it together with some cheeses and sauce, then toss it in the oven. My dinner table for one has a nice plant on it, with ivy on the wall it faces. I’ve got a sunflower candle holder on there and a nice bottle of homemade wine calling my name.

I spoil myself…. Being spoiled is underrated.

I’m so trying to be okay.


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