My heart is no longer as desperate as in my youth. I’m not willing to trade everything for a partner.
I had a long conversation with the new CNA about marrying a man I really didn’t know because my heart was so desperate to be loved. I told her because it was important information to pass on. Talking about huge mistakes like that can help others not to feel so different and alienated. She kept looking at me like, Oh my goodness, but many times she could relate. That was the point, help her relate.
We talked about how much emotional abuse took place and how cruel his words were. And yet I took those blows, one after the other. I was so desperate to be loved that failing in the marriage seemed worse than the abuses I was suffering. How could I face people who already think of me as nothing and unlovable, broken? How could I endure the words of my mother and the smurk on her face? At that time I couldn’t. I made the decision to stay and that decision had serious consequences.
Desperation leads the heart to do dangerous things! I stopped thinking logical and symbolically followed behind him, pledging loyalty all the way.
I was just a child when I ran into my husband, a pained child. Now I take my position as an adult and speak. I will strengthen myself and others.