Content : Sexual abuse
I feel like throwing up. I feel like rolling over in the fetal position to cry.
This is the second time the CNA 2 talked to me about homosexuality. The first time I didn’t say much. Today she went into detail and told me I look like a “stud”. That is not a compliment to a person who is not an stud. She said I “look gay” and that I am not a “girly – girl. ” She commented that I don’t wear long nails, eyelashes and makeup. I told her I prefer the natural look.
The main difficulty of being called a stud is that it removes my femininity, something I cherish.
As a child, my mother used me as if I was a man. Also, she would say, “Are you gay? Are you a boy? Do you want me to cut your hair?” As early as the second grade she began chipping away at my birth right to be female. She hounded me, always asking if I thought I was a boy. Never did I feel that way, but she did use me that way.
She started the same crap with my brother. She kept asking him if he was gay. The boy was three! Three years old and she was hounding him, too.
Dr D and I talked about how I will need to reason with myself on the matter. When I look in the mirror I don’t see anything masculine about me. I don’t feel masculine. Whatever is seen by others is not under my control. I can still be comfortable in my skin as a woman and throw off the absurdity from my CNA 2.
I have two CNAs and one nurse. CNA 2 is the one who crossed boundaries today.
Dr D asked if I switch personalities when the cna’s are inappropriate. No. I just listen like a good girl, just like when listening to my mother. I give no indication that I’m disturbed and upset. That has changed recently. I tell them when they have crossed the line but I don’t show that I’m upset. That’s the main thing for me, never give what they’re looking for. Never give them a reaction of shock or dismay. I learned that dealing with my mother. She was looking for a reaction so I refused to give her one! I do this w a lot of people now, no physical reaction no matter what!