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Abuse Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Removing Fault

I’m trying to manage in my head that this all is not my fault. It only takes someone to hint that it is and my head gets all messed up. Right now it doesn’t matter to me why I worry stuff is my fault, I’m just trying to say that it feels really bad to […]

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Anxiety The People Behind My Eyes

Common but not normal

My first response was to panic. I needed to hear him tell me he doesn’t think the CNA situations are my fault. He said he doesn’t but he also said that it might not be that black and white, that I may be contributing to the issues. I reminded him that my last regular CNA […]

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Abuse Anxiety PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

On being talked down to. Adult relationships.

I’ve processed this out in my head a bit because when it happened it got under my skin. Yesterday one of the CNAs said several times, the reason she didn’t work out here is because I’m “not used to working with adults” and she’s used to “working with a different clientele.” She said she doesn’t […]

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Anxiety The People Behind My Eyes

Lavender Addiction and Anxiety Progress

A good friend sent me this photo because she could see me doing this. I do have a love affair with lavender, some call it an addiction. It started innocently enough. I used it for anxiety but fell in love with the scent and color. So now, even when I’m not anxious, I use it. […]

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Art

Sensitive

I’m sensitive. I’m raw. I’m hurting because of the situation with the old CNA and all that happened the day I had to fire her. The pain of that day influenced how I responded to the new CNA today. I almost didn’t allow her back based on pain caused by a different CNA relationship. I […]

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Art

Therapy Review: Baggage. Burden.

Content : Sexual abuse. Sadism. I went in to see Dr D today at his office. We talked about how I feel guilty about asking people to pack up my wheelchair and me to take me here or there. I feel like a burden to others and like baggage. We talked about feeling that way […]

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Art

In a little bit

It’s not been a good day to say the least. In addition to firing someone I really liked, I jacked up my already jacked up foot. This is the same foot that I smashed in the door. Well, I was using the pedicure tool suggested by the surgeon and accidentally ripped a two inch hole […]

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Art

Therapy Review : Suicide Threats

Content – Suicide of brother. Suicide threats by nurse’s assistant (CNA) An anniversary rolled around for my brother’s suicide. It was somber. I looked at photos and wondered how on earth he could be gone. It was a tearful day but I made it through. The very next day something happened with my CNA that […]

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Art

Linger

Ouch. I went to the grocery store. When I was getting back in the car I thought I was all the way in but my bad foot wasn’t. I shut it in the door. That’s a pain that’s going to linger. The problem is, I can’t feel much other than pain in that foot so […]

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Art

Our shared life lessons

These are a few thoughts on the behaviors that come through this house and how I’ve been handling them. As I’ve noted, the CNAs bring a lot of drama to my house by telling me their problems and acting up. I still learn from them though. While listening to one in particular, I see she […]