Content : Sexual abuse. Sadism.
I went in to see Dr D today at his office. We talked about how I feel guilty about asking people to pack up my wheelchair and me to take me here or there. I feel like a burden to others and like baggage. We talked about feeling that way as a child, too. About apologizing in my heart for being a disappointment to my mother.
We talked about how she said she couldn’t remarry bc no one wanted 2 teenage daughters. The truth is, my mother couldn’t hold an adult relationship if she tried.
We discussed how much other family members knew about the abuse. For a time, my cousins were not allowed to ride in the car w my mother bc my mother’s conversation was so sexual.
In the car, mostly when she was driving, she’d recount what she had done to us and ask, “Are you turned on?” She wasn’t looking for a verbal answer. But, she’d ask that question and look me in the face to see my response. Because she was looking for a response, I didn’t give one!
She’d call me a bitch with the utmost disdain in her voice. I was little so I didn’t quite know the word, but I recognized the hatred in her voice so I knew it was a bad thing. She truly hated me. As a small reflection of herself, the hatred was palpable.