My first response was to panic. I needed to hear him tell me he doesn’t think the CNA situations are my fault. He said he doesn’t but he also said that it might not be that black and white, that I may be contributing to the issues. I reminded him that my last regular CNA was BiPolar, off her medication and suicidal. There’s no way on earth that has anything to do with me. What about the one who volunteered the information that I look gay to her and then made fun of me for limping while walking? Did I add to that? Or the other day when a CNA came and told me she wanted me to help make my chicken salad and I told her that two people making chicken salad in the kitchen is too much. She asked me if I wanted to stir the salad and I said no. She then turned around, put the bowl in my face and said, “Stir.” I looked dead at her and said, “No.” About that, Dr. D said, “Others don’t experience this same level of conflict that you have with the CNA’s.” I said, that’s not true, and tell me you don’t think this is my fault. He said no, I don’t but I also don’t think it’s that black and white. I said, I do. When they bring drama to my home it’s them bringing it, not me. No where else in my life do I have this type of difficulty. Besides, I know too many other people with a CNA that have this type of problem. This is not my fault. So. I figure I’m going to shut up about it. Forget this whole thing about processing it out cause clearly I’m just irritating people, him. I’m done trying to justify myself in the middle of insanity. That’s what it is too. When someone shoves a bowl in your face and demands that you help make chicken salad after you already told them no twice, then the problem is with them. People know for certain that home nurses abuse because shows have been on TV about it. Why do you think people have hidden cameras in their home when a CNA comes in? Because they’re trouble. Because they abuse. Because the stories patients tell are so over the top that they’re not believable at times so the person who isn’t the patient has to see it for themselves. What they seem dumbfounds them. The patient has been telling the truth the whole time. Yes, CNA’s are trouble. Nurses are trouble. Once you bring them in your home the whole dynamic changes from professional to abusive and insane. But who is it that gets questioned and disbelieved? The patient. The patient!!!! And that really makes me angry that my therapist would actually go there with me. Pathetic.
Update : Today the company reached out to me and said they understand that things have been crazy and that they are sorry for the drama. They said they are sorry I had so much on me and that they are working to fix things. The call was needed so that I don’t feel like a problem client. I just can’t have this be my fault! so I’m happy they called to fix things and say they understand it’s them and not me. It’s so important that I not be viewed as a problem or bad.