I’m trying to manage in my head that this all is not my fault. It only takes someone to hint that it is and my head gets all messed up. Right now it doesn’t matter to me why I worry stuff is my fault, I’m just trying to say that it feels really bad to be thought of as a problem. So, I’m struggling with that right now.
To help matters, I got a call from the CNA company concerning the issues with CNA 1 and 2 as well as the chicken salad situation. They took responsibility for it and said they realized I was having a rough patch with cna’s right now. It was helpful to hear from a supervisor that the company realizes the problem isn’t me but the individuals being sent.
I talked to my CICOA representative who also said its the poor quality of individuals being hired that’s the problem, not me. She shook her head in disbelief at the details surrounding the CNA and the suicide threats here.
I try to be “good” because being labeled “bad” hurts too much. I was always told I’m bad and trouble, a burden. Everything was my fault. It was as if I had the power to destroy the world in one mistake. I didn’t know when I’d destroy lives but I was told I was and could make people unhappy. I was a horrible person, destroying everything I touched, ruining innocent people.
There was a time I found out that a friend had cancer. I didn’t want to be around her for fear I’d somehow make her sicker. Forget that she was stage 4 skin cancer, it felt like my badness had somehow made her sick! That’s when I knew I had to work on my perception of my badness. I mean, that’s a lot of power, to sicken someone clear across the country!!! How did I get this super power to destroy lives since very young? I am not the devil. I don’t ruin and destroy everything I touch. It was yet another lie I was told, brainwashing and emotional abuse.
Today I’m trying to toss out the idea that I am bad and that I ruin lives and opportunities, that everything is my fault and nothing good can stay with someone so bad and undeserving. These thoughts are not welcome and I’m not accepting them today. What I’m going to do is get up and work on a project that I know I can complete successfully. This will boost my spirits and confidence and help put my mind on a healthier track. Forget all I was told by my sadistic mother. Those thoughts and memories are not welcome. I’m powerful enough to push them away. Robert