Content: Suicide discussion. Grief
I don’t know how to write this entry. I’ve been trying since yesterday to contain myself enough to take notes from therapy concerning all the suicide triggers of late. Perhaps first I should say I understand the desire to die and I understand what pushes a person to try because I’ve tried myself, but it doesn’t seem to apply with my brother. I can’t seem to square it with my brother because he was loved so much but when I was trying to kill myself I wasn’t loved abundantly like him. It seems to make a world of difference.
My brother left behind his entire children’s orchestra, his family and friends. He was loved very much and so robbing us of himself feels brutally painful.
I’d like to know how he came to the decision that it was ok to leave us behind with few answers to a world of questions? How did he justify leaving us all by suicide? Did he think we’d get over it? If so, he should have left instructions how.
Is love enough to save a life full of physical or emotional pain? Is being cherished and adored enough to keep you alive?
I have a memory that is stuck in my head. It’s of him at age three. He’s standing at the kitchen sink on a chair washing dishes. He loved doing that. And he turned around and smiled the biggest smile like, look what I’m doing. That smile is burned in my mind. The memory is painful and joyous.
I had hoped he would break away from the family of ours and live a life free of abuses we suffered. I hoped a lot for him. Now he’s gone and it’s insufferable. The only thing I have left of him now is his toddler’s smile.