The nurse came out today. I asked her to speak plainly. She said, “You’re not going to get better.” I burst into tears. It’s not like I am unaware, it’s just hard to hear. She added that I’ll have good and bad days. I still cried. It makes me sad, this new life. I’m still mourning the old. Sometimes I’m ok with this new life but today I’m not.

In therapy we talked about the difficulty of accepting that this body sucks. We talked about what caused the falls as well as feeling pressured to walk. The pressure is mostly, mostly internal. I see people with amputations walking around or elderly people hobbling and feel shame that I’m in a chair. I “should” be up. Then I think, Faith, you can’t compare yourself to anyone else! I know I have extensive nerve damage that can’t be seen. Lord knows I can feel the pain, but it can’t be seen. I just feel so bad about myself right now.

In session, Dr D looked at some of the art by Robert and said it’s disturbing and creepy. Robert thanked him. Dr D suggested that he and Robert spend more time together in sessions bc he said he thinks Robert has a lot going on in his head that he needs to get out. The thing is, Robert remembers the sessions not long ago when cursed Dr D out for acting like an idiot about the CNAs. Robert does not trust the man right now. He’s certainly not going to sit and confide in him. More time needs to pass between those terrible sessions.

CICOA is coming out Thursday for my review. Wow, what timing. My doctor is requesting that I have Saturday care too, which CICOA and the nursing company will get approved. This means I’ll have 6 days a week that a CNA is here. I’ll have a different Saturday aide than during the week. This means trying to find a second aide that fits here. A second aide the inside people have to hide from. Let’s hope it’s not too long b4 they find someone suitable. Maybe it’ll only be a few weeks until I heal from the falls, then maybe I can go back to 5 days a week.

Today I’m tearful and sad. I’m also physically tired which makes a difference in my mood.

Dinner was beautiful. I had portobello and goat cheese fettuccine with fresh spinach and tomatoes. It was inspired by a frozen dinner. Tomorrow is homemade deep dish pizza. I still love to cook.


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One thought on “Therapy Review: Getting Better

  1. Hi Faith,

    I’m sorry you won’t get better, that your body is going to present endless challenges for you. I wish I could wave a magic wand and take that pain away from you. It’s got to be exhausting and frustrating. I’m continually amazed at how you are able to live with all that suffering but still exude so much love and hope, so much appreciation of small kindnesses and pleasures like your fettuccine.

    I know you know it, but I’ll add an extra validating voice from the outside: it’s okay to use the chair. It’s just a tool. If it helps you achieve what you want to do, use it. If a walker or a cane or something else helps you, use that. There is no judgment, no expectation attached. We all need different kinds of supports at different points in our lives (for example, I currently need my psychiatric meds and the ability to work only part time). We aren’t more valuable if we go fast and achieve a lot of stuff; we aren’t less valuable if we slow down and use our supports. But again, I know you already know this.

    Wishing you some good rest, more yummy things to eat, and a personable, competent, loving CNA for your Saturdays.


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