I left something behind in the hospital. Under pain and pressure my mind split and broke, but it’s much more than that. I’ve been shaken to the core.
I feel like I should apologize for still talking about the affects of the hospitalization, like I should be over this. Anyway, what Dr. D and I discussed is how the medical events felt like my own natural disaster, my own earthquake. My entire world shook, right down to the core of me. It destroyed things I fear I won’t get back. Further discussion brought out more on what part of me feels like it broke and was left behind in the hospital. What part of me was left behind in the hospital? We moved from the natural disaster example to one of home invasion w assault and robbery.
The medical events where sudden. No time to prepare for them. The events saw me lose my home, pets, possessions and part of my body and nearly my life. It’s as if a robber came in and stole all of it and gave much physical pain while doing it. And much like a robbery victim, I am feeling a huge loss of security. That is what was left behind in the hospital, the piece of me I fear I won’t get back. It is also a huge creative block as I can’t seem to risk the way I did before. All I get out anymore is geometric shapes in color or black and white. If I can’t risk, how will I ever truly paint again?
I know that I need to move more towards acceptance of my new life. I know that, but I grieve the loss of the old that seemed to be coming along better. I was losing weight! I was walking more, healthy enough to care for a dog. Yes, pain still consumed me but from where I am now, what I see is that the life was mine. It belonged to me and I had a sense of trust and security. The hospitalization changed those two things. While I don’t worry daily that I’m going to die bc of a blood clot, I do struggle with it. I go back and forth between feeling super alive and feeling like I have one foot in the grave. It’s as if I am running forward making progress, feeling good and I suddenly remember not to trust that feeling. And I’m right back in the hospital bed with the smells and sounds and the horrific pain. I’m back to feeling lost, insecure and shaken.
It’ll be a process to get out of this spot and I know it. I just miss so much of what was. People pressure others to live in today, don’t look back, accept what you can’t change. I’m not there yet. I’m limping toward that goal, but I’m not at acceptance.
I go in to see Dr D next Tuesday. I was to go in Friday but that’s not going to work.
We briefly discussed that my new CNA is testing her employer’s patience to the limit. She has informed them that she will not return until May 2nd. I shake my head bc it’s a bunch of bull why she requested the time. Due to her attendance issues she may get fired by the company. I’m also frustrated with her attendance problems.