It feels like yesterday but tomorrow it’ll have been a year since the amputation. I was ok until it was time to be alone, then I fell apart.
The two people I talked to commented that I’ve come very far in a year. They said there’s been loss but that I’ve made great strides. In prayer I said that what I needed was someone to grieve this loss with me, validate it, not encourage me to keep going and see the bright side. I said I needed someone to understand my tears and understand how complex it is to lose a part of yourself.
Yes, I’ve come a very, very long way and beat nearly impossible odds. That can’t be disputed. What I have a hard time with is justifying this level of upset over half a foot missing but my grief, as confused about its validity I may be, is in fact strong if not consuming. I told my therapist that watching the foot die for a two month time period is the part I can’t seem to get over. Seeing.. remembering how far my body had to be pushed for two months !!! brings tears of anguish to my eyes!! I can’t be any clearer when I say that watching a limb die is worse than the amputation itself.
I’m not angry about being in a wheelchair. I knew this was part of my future bc I’ve been ill for years. But I miss long walks beside my dog outside! I miss my dog.
This is all so new. New pain to get used to, new eye level from a wheelchair and seeing the world, new home, different body…… Is a year long enough to adjust to such things?
Tomorrow will be a long, busy day. The carpet is getting cleaned after the water heater drained all over it. This means my little bed has to be moved as well as a few personal items and plants. It shouldn’t take long but it’ll be an ordeal. My nurse is coming tomorrow and I will be going to the Kingdom Hall. It’s going to be a full day. I didn’t plan it that way. There sure won’t be much time to wallow in my thoughts, or much time to recharge mentally as I try to transition from one task to the next. Let us hope I have enough energy for all this on a potentially emotionally charged day.
See On Losing More. https://www.sundrip.com/2018/05/05/on-losing-more/ The entry before the amputation.