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A Year Ago Tomorrow

It feels like yesterday but tomorrow it'll have been a year since the amputation. I was ok until it was time to be alone, then I fell apart.

The two people I talked to commented that I've come very far in a year. They said there's been loss but that I've made great strides. In prayer I said that what I needed was someone to grieve this loss with me, validate it, not encourage me to keep going and see the bright side. I said I needed someone to understand my tears and understand how complex it is to lose a part of yourself.

Yes, I've come a very, very long way and beat nearly impossible odds. That can't be disputed. What I have a hard time with is justifying this level of upset over half a foot missing but my grief, as confused about its validity I may be, is in fact strong if not consuming. I told my therapist that watching the foot die for a two month time period is the part I can't seem to get over. Seeing.. remembering how far my body had to be pushed for two months !!! brings tears of anguish to my eyes!! I can't be any clearer when I say that watching a limb die is worse than the amputation itself.

I'm not angry about being in a wheelchair. I knew this was part of my future bc I've been ill for years. But I miss long walks beside my dog outside! I miss my dog.

This is all so new. New pain to get used to, new eye level from a wheelchair and seeing the world, new home, different body...... Is a year long enough to adjust to such things?

Tomorrow will be a long, busy day. The carpet is getting cleaned after the water heater drained all over it. This means my little bed has to be moved as well as a few personal items and plants. It shouldn't take long but it'll be an ordeal. My nurse is coming tomorrow and I will be going to the Kingdom Hall. It's going to be a full day. I didn't plan it that way. There sure won't be much time to wallow in my thoughts, or much time to recharge mentally as I try to transition from one task to the next. Let us hope I have enough energy for all this on a potentially emotionally charged day.

Faith

See On Losing More. https://www.sundrip.com/2018/05/05/on-losing-more/ The entry before the amputation.

4 thoughts on “A Year Ago Tomorrow

  1. Beautifuldreamer

    I pray that you allow yourself to grieve for as long as you need to and that your journey will include moments of comfort and joy, and an unfolding of new and lasting hope.

    Reply
  2. BrokenYetCherished

    This loss is not a small thing, it was a part of you for as many years as you've been alive. Please allow yourself as much time and space to grieve all the losses that have come from the amputation.

    Reply
  3. Stacey Chapman

    You are so strong and so brave. I cannot imagine. Please allow yourself as long as you need. This is a huge life change and a massive loss; both physical and mental. Recovering from such a traumatic event will take time which cannot be measured. Be kind to yourself and remember what a warrior you are ❤️️

    Reply

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