Today I saw the doctor for the second time this week. She said, you seem really calm. I said, I know where this foot ulcer thing could easily go. I'm trying not to panic. I'm trying to do one day at a time without borrowing tomorrow's troubles.
The left foot (amputation site) is aggressively infected with a foot ulcer. Everyday it looks worse despite following orders, taking all medications and keeping up with dressing changes.
Yes it worries me but I can't panic right now. I feel like I did when I was in the hospital and they told me I was going to lose the foot. I told them to do what they needed to do, just return me to my family and friends. I was afraid but determined to live. I was determined, grounded and clear about continuing my battle. That is how I feel right now, determined, grounded and clear in my desire to never give up, come what may. I have Lupus so stuff is going to come! But right now I have a bit of extra gas in my emotional tank which let's me feel strong enough for this, again.
So far I have not lost the leg due to the infection. So far further amputation (from the knee down) has only been discussed to let me know all the factors in my current situation. The goal is obviously to stop this infection and manage my circulation and blood system. I would say that treatment is appropriate right now and that a little time will tell where we go from here.
Since I don't know exactly where we go from here, since nothing is sure, I've chosen not to borrow anxiety and troubles. I've decided that day to day work is best for me. Thinking too far ahead may even compromise my health by adding to the stress my body is already under. When needed, I've let myself cry. It relieves stress and helps things not build up inside.
Last but not least. I'm in need of a blanket. Because I'm not fully continent, I had an accident. It was last Saturday after my nurse's aide left. So I got in the shower on my own then stripped the bed. I was going to try to put on new sheets only to discover all were dirty and that I only own one blanket, which I just stripped off the bed. I would have done the laundry but it's on the second floor and very far from my apartment. I am physically unable to get there and I can't transport laundry in a manual wheelchair. To make matters worse, no nurse's aide was to come until Monday morning which left me wrapped in the flat sheets without a blanket until then.
This will never happen again! I will be getting a blanket when I get paid on the 3rd of June. It's already humiliating to have accidents but to lie on a stripped, cold mattress bc of it is nothing short of insult to injury. I've got a decent amount of sheets, but I'll hit up the Amazon website for a blanket very soon. I've got a nice blue blanket in my near future.
In all the madness, I am still painting and focusing on my goals.