It occurred to me the other day that I expected to be healthier than this and more functional. I don’t know why I expected it but I did. It never occurred to me, even while in the hospital under those circumstances, that I’d lay here like *this,* feeling like *this*. What on earth was I thinking, really? Why didn’t it dawn on me that it could stay ugly?
I had a lot of questions a year ago. Some of my curiosities were simple. Will I ever cross my legs again? And, will I ever dance again? The answer is yes. I can do both. I wanted to be able to go moss hunting and look for mushrooms and lichens. I looked forward to seeing all the little creatures associated with these types of natural settings. Thankfully, I’ve gotten to do all of these things again. It’s been wonderful regaining these joys. But does it mean I can hope for better health or should I be satisfied with good days and leave it at that?
I struggle to see my life as more than Lupus and chronic illnesses because daily there’s a nurse’s aide in my home whose presence alone says, “You’re sick.” The nurse’s visit twice a month in my home, plus a bunch of medications all scream, “You’re sick.” So I struggle to remember just what else I have. This is why my Gratitude Drawing Journal is so important to me. I can list all the thing that make me happy, calm and content. I can draw and paint positive feelings and experiences so I never have far from me just how often my life is good.
Yes, I expected better, more health. I expected to feel better than this but what I don’t have in health I do have in loving friends, sustenance and covering, spirituality and joy! You know what? I never expected this. 😊