Where are my coping skills? Where is my ability to handle my health issues?
I wish I could say I am emotionally better than the last time I was in the hospital but I’m not. I’m just as shocked and stunned asking, is this really my life? Seriously, they were going to take the rest of my foot had Dr L and his team not come in and said you’re looking at this wrong. I am shocked at how close I came to more pain! That’s what I’m afraid of, the pain. And I’m stuck in the fear of hospitalization trauma. I’m stuck.
How many journal entries can I write where I talk about my health? So I write yet another bc my platelets are low. I’m physically exhausted! I’m emotionally exhausted from the up and down, from the constant medical crisis… one after the other…. I’m just exhausted. And I’m stuck in fear and shock. Can I get through next week without some health issue, please?
I can’t seem to get my emotional footing. How do I do that when there’s so little time between crisis? Due to health issues it feels like I stay in fight or flight. I keep waiting for the other shoes to fall. How do I breathe again? How do I feel calm inside and trust the moment? I fear becoming bitter!
I’ve not drawn in a month. Nothing at all. I don’t even have art supplies by my bed anymore and I don’t care. I have a ton of supplies, no shortage here, but there is no drive. Let me sleep, that’s all I seem to want to do.
I don’t tell my friends these things in detail. I have tried to tell a few but they seem shocked. They say stuff like, I’m so encouraged by you or you dealing with a lot and you do it so well. I know that’s supposed to be positive but I can’t reconcile it with how I feel. I am devistated and lost and afraid and tired of crisis after crisis.
Where is Faith? Where am I? I miss the girl who could find light in just about anything.