We talked about figuring out how to live with instability, with the unknown. I’m not a very flexible person. I’m not spontaneous, don’t like to have someone jump out and surprise me. But my health is one big unstable lion that is silent for awhile but waiting for the moment to roar. We talked about being able to find a way to enjoy life with a lion lurking around.
I was encouraged by the Oncologist the other day to keep moving forward and let them worry. He wants me to leave it with the doctors and as he said, “Keep shooting yourself.” In other words, keep taking the shots! He’s so funny, and so positive.
Dr. D and I discussed the financial side of chronic illness and how that can bring added stress. I’m doing a lot better about getting dolls finished. I’ve got one near completion and another well along. There are 3 total in the works with 2 being commissions. I’ve also completed one painting and am working on others. This should help add more to my Etsy shop for extra income.
We also talked about my own inner child doll. I was unable to hold her or even look at her much but now she’s out in the open and I just love her. Dr D asked how I feel about the little girl I once was. The first word to pop in my head was “respect.” I have great respect for her and what she was forced to survive. Not only did she survive abuse, she was living with Lupus since age ten! That little girl fought hard to live. I have nothing but respect for her.
Dr D noted the change in tone and emotion for my child self. A few years ago I hurt for her immensely. Before that I was angry at her vulnerability. I was stuck on anger for a long time. I remember the humiliations like they were yesterday and thought she should have done something different to make my mother love me. I blamed her. As I move further along in healing I see so clearly what the child self had to endure. I think having an inner child doll helped me see my young self as little, defenseless, innocent. In my head I couldn’t see me as young but for some reason the doll gave me something to relate my size to. Well, it worked. I see in my head a tiny kid and I have great respect for her.
This is my first biracial handmade ragdoll with long curly hair that can be combed.