I’m not flexible. I try to be but I’m not. Change has never been something I could deal with well. My mind all but rejects the idea of change as if it were a disease.
My mother used to tease me saying she was going to change the color of her hair. Oh the idea was so distressing to me that I’d beg her not to. Then I found out she was harassing me by saying it so I kept my distress under cover. It was hard not to say anything, to keep it inside.
My inability to handle change gets worse as I get older. I wish it wasn’t the case. The smallest change sends me into anxiety that I try to get under control. I wish I could say it’s going to be worked on and get better but it seems to be part of me like eye color.
CNA news. She’s gone. The latest one who made me uncomfortable in my own home is gone. I couldn’t handle it anymore. One major thing is that she didn’t want to work but preferred to sit in the chair and mess around on her laptop. The CNA brought her laptop! She had no intention of working. She preferred to use her phone to face time her boyfriend in prison!
I understand that not everyone has the same life experiences. But I believe many different lives can coexist if superiority and inferiority complexes don’t interfere.
This CNA says I think I’m better than others and attempted to give me a reality check by listing off all the things that classify me as poor. My modest home and low income were high on the list of her class distinctions. I’m poor. I should remember it and that I’m not better than her. That was the message I heard but roundly reject.
I am financially impoverished. My home is very humble but people who come through my door are treated equally. They are treated well. And if you have a meal in my home you should expect it to be cost effective but served with love, for it is aptly said; Better is a dish of vegetables where there is love Than a steak where there is hatred.
My imperfections glare daily and make me feel so broken at times but I really do try. I try to roll with the punches, make concessions and think before I speak. I’m actively working on things like patience and mildness as well as being a better listener and showing empathy and warmth to others. I actively work on these qualities daily and believe I can improve. I hope it shows when halfway normal situations arise such as the small dinner party I’m having here with friends soon.
I have invited over a small family to tea. I really like them a lot and look forward to having them.
The Blessing. Last but not least. I have been given a wonderful blessing. A different small family came to my home and said, “Faith, our family decided we are going to provide your CBD oil each month.” I was handed an envelope with $50 cash and told to spend it on CBD oil, which I promptly did. I am a blessed woman.