We talked about the fight I have with feeling inherently bad. When I found out that I have a blood condition it seemed to confirm that I’m bad through out. That even what runs through my veins is bad. It took a minute to adjust my thinking and conclude that I was replaying one of the many lies my mother told.
We talked about the dolls that Etsy rejected and how the racist word got used by Etsy. This lead to the uncomfortable admission that I’m the daughter of a very prejudice woman. Another lie she told me was that white people would see me only as a ni**er and that black people would never accept me either! That was a very difficult burden to live with because she essential said no one will accept me, that I’ll always be an outcast. These things are untrue and fed into her other lie about me being a bad person. The message – You’re a bad person that doesn’t fit in anywhere.
We talked about how the last week w a new CNA has been a breath of fresh air with no stress or drama. Unfortunately this will not last because I’m still changing companies. It’s taking forever but it will happen.