Content – Talk of suicidal feelings surrounding Chronic Relex Sympathetic Dystrophy (CRSD), some hopelessness, hope art and talk of anniversary dates.
We talked about how hopeless it feels to walk into the ER believing it’s a source of relief only to be told that there’s a crisis out there that has nothing to do with me. It feels hopeless. I’m angry about it and when I’m angry at something instead of at myself I get productive! I get this attitude that nothing is going to stop me, especially someone who doesn’t know me and has to deny care based on some epidemic that has nothing to do with me. I’m angry. Boy have I gotten a lot done as far as art goes.
I pulled out my paints and painted through the pain. I practiced with the media I intend to use for my wheelchair art. I wanted to know how my colors will perform on top of on another and on a black background. Will the white stand off the blue? Will the sunflower look too dark? So far I know how the paint performs but not yet on black.
I’ll do the sunflower by hand but I’m going to use a stencil for the letters. I don’t have it yet but I’ll get it from Etsy. Before I put it on my chair I’m going to do a practice run on larger paper. The girl in the journal is just for the page, she won’t be on the painting or wheelchair.
After going over the sign and a few more art projects we talked about how February will be a month of emotional anniversaries. There’s one on the 2nd, 4th, 10th and 14th. The 10th is the 2 yr mark of going into the hospital and losing the foot. The 14th has to do with my brother’s suicide.
He and I talked about having plenty to do during these times. Although I don’t anticipate suicidal feelings, I worry that the totality of events will be overwhelming and unbearable. I’d be lying if I said I’m not concerned.
A small gift has been purchased for the anniversary on the 2nd. I bought a sunflower wine bottle stopper. The 2nd of February also happens to be wine bottling day. I like how the wine turned out. Full bodied and very nice.
Read The Suicide Disease for further reading on CRSD. In the entry I said it would almost be better if my foot was amputated. A year later it was.