Content : Brief suicide check in. Explaining myself, memories. Acceptance. Pain.
So I walked into the building and my pain level rose to a nine out of ten. From the knee down on both sides it hurt like all get out. I told Dr D that I worry I eventually won’t be able to walk the distance to his office. He worries, too.
We talked about how I can become suicidal when the pain gets too high for too long. I assured him I’m stable and that if anything changes I’ll go to the hospital for a shot of what they gave me last time. At least it knocked it down a notch so I could half way think again.
February 2nd is rolling around pretty quickly. I hope to use the day to celebrate how far I’ve moved past that family and that life. That day will be seared in my mind as a day of freedom and independence. It was the day I began living.
We talked about acceptance of my physical situation. As I spoke I tried to figure out where he is with it. I told him that my current CNA, whom I adore, has been telling me again that I can pray and be healed. I commenting that I was in pain and she said she told me what to do, I just don’t want to hear it. Meaning, she told me to pray the Lupus out of me but I won’t do it. To me that says, I told you how to fix it. You won’t so why are you complaining? That’s what it feels like.
I’ve come to the conclusion that it doesn’t matter what she believes about my health but it does matter how I respond to her. I need to talk to myself when she’s not here and affirm that I’m on the right healing path with my doctors. I’m also doing the right thing by accepting my current circumstances. It doesn’t do any good to go chasing shadows. Being able to do some self talk will help w the sting of my CNAs inability to see my true medical needs. Also, once I’ve explained myself in clear terms that the basic person can understand, I do not feel the need to try and convince them of this truth.
So, it’s been a long day but therapy went well.
The last thing we talked about was getting the new table. I saved $50 of January’s money to add to February’s money so that buying a hundred dollar table in one month won’t hurt financially.
Getting the table is a turning point. In the last few weeks I’ve gotten more of my creative confidence back. I’ve begun to experiment again and mix media and make messes. I had paint on my hands! It feels wonderful.
I truly thought the art had been lost with the amputation. I thought the trauma of that time stole my art soul but recently I’ve felt the flicker grow to a flame.
The few art pieces I’ve done in the last few days have done more for me than anything else during this flare up. I can’t tell you how happy I am to know I’ve not somehow lost the essence of myself.