Content – Physical abuse. Emotional abuse.

My dreams have ranged from strange to emotional to terrifying. Last night I had a dream I lost my identity but was assisted by a stranger to get it back. When I was handed papers that confirmed what I was saying all along, I am in fact Faith Austin, tears rolled down my face.

Interestingly enough, on the papers proving my identity, a short bio listed my medical history. I suppose you could say it was my medical identity. I’ve had Lupus since I was a child. It has ruled my existence so it makes sense to me that it’s part of my identity.

I woke up screaming and throwing things the other day. My mother was choking my sister and shaking her. My sisters body was violently going to back and forth. My mother was laughing! It was horrendous. My mother was watching herself in the mirror as she killed my sister. She liked how she looked while abusing her so as I threw things at her to make her stop choking my sister, I yelled, You look stupid.

As a child my mother was quite concerned with how she appeared to others but also herself. She really thought she was something special, abusing and terrorizing children and others weaker than herself.

I’ve been awake an hour now from a dream I could dream a thousand times and be this emotionally peaceful. The second dream I had this morning was about a friend I’ve had for 20 years who lay with me in bed. We were talking late into the night about some things in her life. I held her hand as she talked and we fell asleep that way. It was really sweet to have a safe yet vulnerable moment with a friend. That dream really touched me.

It’s now 8am, an hour before my CNA gets here. I’m going to have some tea and do a little reading before she arrives. I’m going to nurse this peaceful moment for all its worth.


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