I never know when I’m going to feel well enough to get out of bed. Three days in and I wondered if there would be a fourth, but today I feel halfway normal.

Usually I don’t know if I’m going to be able to stand being alive because the pain is so bad, but then there are days when I can function. Yesterday was not that day. I was drunk with pain, incapacitated. I hurt from head to toe with no relief in sight but here I today feeling better. I never know when better is going to hit, but it always does.

I’m going to enjoy this state of better and do some studying and painting. I’ve already completed an older painting this morning and I’m working on another old one to complete. It feels really good to work on them. They’ve been sitting for a long time just waiting for the right paint strokes to come along. It feels like the right time, like I’ve got what I need emotionally to make those strokes on paper and finish projects long ago started.

Yesterday I didn’t go in to therapy as scheduled. We talked over the phone and talked about how it’s possible that some of the nightmares I’ve been having are related to me painting again. When I paint I release a lot of emotion so we’re wondering if the nightmares are in part due to memories that have surfaced due to what I’ve tapped into. We’re sure that all the anniversaries this month have contributed to nightmares but maybe painting, too.

Another thing we discussed is that my CNA is retiring in March. She’s leaving. I’m so sad. I told her so and told her that I appreciate her work here. She’s added the maturity this house very much needed, maturity the other assistants didn’t have. No major drama, no over sharing. She showed up every day and for the most part I’ve got no complaints about her work. She wasn’t perfect but she sure as heck leads the pack!

I’ve got to make a card for her before she goes. I’ve got so little time though because she just told me YESTERDAY!

Alright so, I must get on with this day. What a sigh of relief I had when I woke feeling halfway normal.


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