I go from sleepless nights to straight fatigue with an undercurrent of panic and impatience. I’ve vomited and stressed myself right into an outbreak all over my chest. I can’t get Benadryl until April 1st.
Man. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment the 30th of this month. I wish I could cancel.
I’ve got to calm down! I’ve got to find a way to get some peace of mind and mental rest. I’m all over the place.
Today I told a friend that I haven’t been outside in about a week and a half or longer. I’ve opened the front door but when I do, to let the CNAs in, its like I can’t breathe. Panic takes my breath away.
I had no idea I’d respond this way with over the top anxiety. I told Dr D that I would more than likely survive it, however, I just don’t want to suffer through coronavirus.
I have flashbacks of the long, lonely days in the hospital w my lungs failing me and pain levels high. That’s what I fear about this virus, doing a long, drawn out stretch in the hospital *again* where I’m just suffering. I’m afraid of the hospital stay.
So, I’m all over the place, feeling foolish for simply losing it right now. I just don’t want to have to go back to the hospital like that ever again.
Tomorrow in therapy we’ll talk about ways to manage this fear.
During this time I’ve kept up my gratitude journal and I continue to paint. I’m still doing my daily studies as well as working w a CNA daily. It’s helpful to see them and good that they don’t know my true state of mind. As usual, I appear calm while falling apart inside.