I go from sleepless nights to straight fatigue with an undercurrent of panic and impatience. I’ve vomited and stressed myself right into an outbreak all over my chest. I can’t get Benadryl until April 1st.

Man. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment the 30th of this month. I wish I could cancel.

I’ve got to calm down! I’ve got to find a way to get some peace of mind and mental rest. I’m all over the place.

Today I told a friend that I haven’t been outside in about a week and a half or longer. I’ve opened the front door but when I do, to let the CNAs in, its like I can’t breathe. Panic takes my breath away.

I had no idea I’d respond this way with over the top anxiety. I told Dr D that I would more than likely survive it, however, I just don’t want to suffer through coronavirus.

I have flashbacks of the long, lonely days in the hospital w my lungs failing me and pain levels high. That’s what I fear about this virus, doing a long, drawn out stretch in the hospital *again* where I’m just suffering. I’m afraid of the hospital stay.

So, I’m all over the place, feeling foolish for simply losing it right now. I just don’t want to have to go back to the hospital like that ever again.

Tomorrow in therapy we’ll talk about ways to manage this fear.

During this time I’ve kept up my gratitude journal and I continue to paint. I’m still doing my daily studies as well as working w a CNA daily. It’s helpful to see them and good that they don’t know my true state of mind. As usual, I appear calm while falling apart inside.


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6 thoughts on “Panic Mode

  1. Yeah, this is a difficult time. The Virus or isolation will be our undoing. But this period of time is serving as an opportunity for me to experiment creatively with doll making techniques and my other favorite, painting and collage. I still have to work remotely which is difficult. I can be creative in my space but even when I was in school, I had to leave home to study. I don’t have a yard ; only a concrete jungle. This has nothing to do with the rest of the post but one of my friends pointed out the other people say that we’re in quarantine; Black folks from never finished school to academics are saying we’re in lock down. I found it ironic that prison language is a part of our dna. lol

  2. You are sure not the only one struggling to stay calm. Can totally understand why you panic so much with that long hospital stay you had. We are here and caring.

  3. I don’t think it is foolish that you are all over the place and losing it because you don’t want to go back to the hospital and suffer during a long hospital stay. Of course you fear it! The virus itself generates fear and concern, but knowing you are immune compromised and higher risk in getting it, that adds to the fear, and on top of all of that, you experienced a horrendous year of life threatening lengthy hospital stays and skilled nursing, lost your home, etc. Please be gentle with yourselves about the panic. And yes, I completely understand this part: “As usual, I appear calm while falling apart inside.”

    Gentle hugs to you!

    p.s. hi friend/s!!!… long time since we wrote anything here or much of anywhere online. we are returning and plan to visit here more regularly. much love to you all!

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