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Chronic Pain I'm only human Lupus PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Two Years On

May 7th will be two years with the amputation. Funny, my therapist still can’t say that word. He just says, ‘the operation.’ I think the only thing that really makes me sad is not yet being able to wear shoes. I thought I could but not yet. I purchased a pair I thought I could wear but I have to return them. It makes my heart sad.

In order to feel better I began to recount all the good things that have happened in the last two years. It helped significantly. I tell you though, when my foot was too swollen and too short to fit in the shoes I wanted to cry, however, I think its possible to be disappointed and feel appreciative about good things.

So, as sad as I am about still not being able to wear anything but these Converse I am pleased with the following:

  • First and foremost I am happy to have my life. There was a moment in the hospital when I told the elders from my congregation that I didn’t really want to make it. I wanted to die. I was tired, in pain and ready to stop. Three times total I prayed to die but here I sit two years on, humbled by the fact that I survived.
  • I’m grateful that Converse makes a shoe that will fit my amputation type. I mean I could be stuck with Adidas or New Balance.
  • I loved the apartment from which I moved but I love this one, too. I really love my little home.
  • I have healed emotionally in ways that I never thought possible.
  • Out of absolute necessity I gained more inner strength and the ability to ask for help when I need it.
  • I am loved and I have very strong friendships for which I am forever grateful.
  • I’m more giving than I was. Instead of letting opportunities find me, I seek ways to give.
  • My heart is not desperate as it was before the hospitalization. I let go of fantasy thinking that plagued me which has freed up space for moments of peace.

The last two years have been one long trial but trials and problems are coupled with blessings and reasons to smile. Mixed in with pain and more pain are the many positive reasons I get up each day and live. There’s so much pain, and a lot of fear, that just doesn’t seem to end. That’s what makes this so difficult, it’s been so very long. I expected to be better after all that trauma. I’m not physically better but emotionally I’m stronger. More sensitive? Yes, but I can handle life and I can handle Lupus whereas I before I doubted myself.

I’ve got the same coping skills as before the hospitalization only now they feel so much more profound in my life. The other day when I kept making dolls despite my pain I did so because it kept my brain safe from caving in. That’s a good coping skill, art is. I’ve got other skills that I use but art is my main coping skill because it works for me.

I’m still a bit disappointed about the shoes but hey, I’ll roll with the punches. I did get 4 new skirts…..which were supposed to be for the dang on shoes!!! that I’ll now wear with Converse. However, I will remember my list of positives along side the negatives as I rock those new skirts and live my best life.

Faith

2 replies on “Two Years On”

I’m proud of you, you’ve weathered a ferocious storm with your faith and your determination intact. Though nothing will ever again be what it used to be in your life, you’re learning ways to cope and embrace this life you’ve been given to live. I learn so much all the time from your perseverance. You inspire me, my friend!

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