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Anxiety Lupus PTSD Sketchbook diary The People Behind My Eyes

The CNA Challenge

Joe with art journal

I’ve got 2 new CNAs right now. I talked to the company and told them how I’ve been feeling about the loss of care every few months. I feel like a failure, I said. I feel like people think it’s all my fault and that maybe people simply don’t like me after awhile. The manager told me that the problem is not me but the CNAs. I so needed to hear that.

In the conversation I said I like the idea of having 2 CNAs during the week instead of just one because it spreads me out a bit so that one person doesn’t have to deal with me for 6 hours 5 days a week. She again said that the problem is not me.

I know what these CNAs do while here. I know what they try to get away with. I know the abuses and missteps but it’s just my word and I don’t feel my word carries any weight.

I am feeling very much like I did as a child, taking all the fault and blame on myself and like my voice is useless and meaningless, powerless. It took today on the phone with the manager to set matters straight in my head.

Fault Finding

While I like the Monday and Tuesday CNA, I know that confidentiality is out of the window. She was my neighbors CNA and told me all her business. I know not to say anything I don’t want repeated. I don’t talk to my CNAs about personal stuff but this CNA told me about meds, company and home cleanliness and mental health. Too much information was shared with me! I didn’t like that at all. Fortunately I don’t take any meds she’s going to want so that’s not a problem it’s just, wow, a lot of information was given that I should not know.

She is my CNA though. We hit it off really well. My Wed thru Friday CNA is awesome sauce. She’s slow doing stuff around the house, man is she slow, but she’s got a good temperament and will work out well. Saturday CNA is awesome as is my Sunday CNA. I’ve got 4 total now instead of three. It’s stretched out nice and thin so that no one gets too tired of the other person, not them of me or me of them.

Being in a 500 square foot efficiency apartment under COVID-19 lock down is difficult. Not being able to go anywhere can be difficult.

I hear most people don’t like having this many aides but I feel it may be the answer for me right now. The other way isn’t working, so let’s try something new.

I will continue to blog updates, good, bad and ugly.

Faith

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.