My heart is heavy.
I talked to Dr. D about the nurses aides not showing up again. They weren’t here last Monday when I talked to him and they aren’t here today and more than likely won’t be here tomorrow.
Four or five people have told me that I’m not the problem with why people don’t show up for their shift but my heart won’t allow me to believe it. It’s as if there’s something inherently bad, evil and wicked about me that makes the CNA situation not work out. As I said that to my therapist it dawned on me that if I’m the problem then I can fix this thing and get a good CNA that shows up. But if it’s not all me then I end up feeling helpless, with my hands tied.
We talked about how I was told as a child that the problem with that family was all my fault. It seemed clear that if I was the problem and soured things that I could also turn them around and make things better. I don’t know how many times I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong as a child. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I accepted it wasn’t my fault. But now I’m an adult still taking on problems and blame that may not belong entirely to me. I’m not a perfect client. I have my quirks. I have my limitations.
Dr. D asked about stress level when the CNAs are here. I told him that I’m usually relieved when they get here because they make my life easier when they show up. Quality of life would go down hill without them. Right now I can’t imagine not having care. The thought of it is rather worrisome. How would I even change the sheets on my bed or complete a meal and get the dishes washed? What about laundry or getting to the store? What about doctor appointments or getting the trash out, not to mention fall risks? Yeah, they’re needed. They sure are.
During this pandemic they are the only faces I see and speak to on a regular basis. Yes I take part in the Zoom meetings twice a week but seeing and speaking to a person on a regular basis is healing and much needed. I have experienced more loneliness since the pandemic than I’ve felt in a long time.
Sunday my CNA eventually showed up. She was quite helpful while here because she made sure that I’ve got something to eat today. She prepared a meal for me ‘just in case’ no one showed up today. Well, no one did. That meal is waiting for me. I’ve also got some chicken salad that was made which means I’m good on food for today and tomorrow. Let us hope my Wednesday aide shows up.
To turn this day around and so I feel better, I’m going to watch a movie. I don’t do that enough. I’m going to set up my tablet and watch The Story of Jonah – A Lesson in Courage and Mercy. I relate to Jonah in that there are times I want to run from difficulties and issues, ‘life assignments’ I just don’t think I’m cut out to complete. I see so much of myself in him. Despite his humanity showing through, Jonah faced what he needed to do and completed his life assignment, so will I.