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I'm only human Lupus

Results. Enough. I’ll keep going.

The results showed a 2x2x2 tumor in my uterus (about the size of a lime). They want to see about non-surgical treatments but if the Oncologist / Hematologist says I can’t take it because of my blood disorder then I have to have it surgically removed. The estimated time for healing I was given was 4 to 5 weeks.

It’s not even been 24 hours and they started blowing up my phone about this.

Let me toss in. Before I got anything checked and I described this, a good friend said, Faith, what you’re describing isn’t normal. My friend had this and it was such and such a thing. Go get seen. I nearly let it go longer because of fear of the exams and fear of a long, drawn out recovery. Good thing I didn’t let it go longer.

My many tears today had to do with being a very tired woman. And because I still hold on to the mistaken idea that I’ve been through “enough”, so nothing else bad should happen. But that’s not how life works is it?

I’m afraid of the surgery. I’m afraid I’ll bleed to death. The last major surgery I had, which was to eliminate the blood clots, they had to physically put their hands on my jugular and hold it for 30 minutes until it clotted. I passed out. It felt like I was being strangled. I remember so clearly that she told me to look up, to the side and don’t move. I did. Another woman held her hand on the artery on my leg for about 30 minutes. I wouldn’t clot. I don’t clot when I should and I clot when I should not. So yeah, I’m very, very nervous about a surgery.

I did not get good health. I’ve struggled with Lupus since I was child. I’ve had a host of issues. Health is not among my blessings, but I do have many which I write about in my gratitude journal and thank Jehovah for each day. I will continue to write in that journal, even today when I got bad news I also had nice things happen.

There’s a gazebo with rose bushes and daisies outside, which largely goes unused. My CNA and I lightened my hair with lemon juice then sat out in the sun for about 20 min. I can’t stay out long but man it felt great. We’re going to do it again tomorrow and eat strawberry shortcake at the gazebo.

I have had my tears but there are also things to smile about today.

Take care of yourselves,

Faith 🌻

8 replies on “Results. Enough. I’ll keep going.”

Reading your post helps to strenthen me through my own struggles. Thank you for being consistent about what you go through and for sharing your art and life.

I don’t think I realized you had a CNA, I thought you were still waiting for one. I’m glad you got to go out into the sun for a while, I can imagine how that gave your spirits a lift. I’m also glad you went to the doctor and got things checked out.

I agree with the person who commented that reading about your struggles helps her deal with her own. We’re all in this life together; sharing our pains, sorrows and joys makes a difference in our journeys which sometimes feel so solitary.

No need to feel nervous, comment if you'd like.