I just woke from screaming “No!” in the dream where I wasn’t being attacked or physically abused.

In the dream I was staying with friends in their home. My mother was staying there, too. The only thing I got to keep of my things after the move were dolls, the clothes on my back and the fish tank of goldfish. Now the home owner’s wanted me to get rid of the fish.

I tried to reason with the husband and tell him how much they mean to me. I tried to list what I’d left behind when I had to move in with him and his wife and my mother. He said I could keep them and went to tell his wife.

I messed around downstairs and gave them time to talk, staying out of the way. A few minutes later my grandmother walked into the room where I was, pointed at me and said, “There’s the enemy!”

The husband came and told me I had to get rid of the fish. In that short time he’d been convinced to have me get rid of my very much loved fish and to tear the tank down. I grew emotional. With a heavy heart I and said, “please” then screamed, “No!” I woke up after that.

Wow! “There’s the enemy.” That describes how I was viewed by my mother. I never felt welcome in her home. I was treated like her enemy. I also had to leave behind my belongings when we’d move. I left behind most everything – clothing, furniture, bed, books and personal items. Sometimes as a punishment she’d have me throw away my favorite toy or favorite music. I’d have to walk it out to the trash. I learned very quickly not to get attached to items because they leave. To this day I don’t really get attached to my personal things. I don’t have a lot of keepsakes because I don’t trust it. I don’t want to get hurt when it has to leave.

Right now I’m surprised I’d feel so strongly about the goldfish, which I never intended to keep and recently discussed getting rid of. After that highly emotional dream I might need to rethink it. I wonder if parts of me, the inner children maybe, are feeling the sting of multiple losses and don’t want to lose the goldfish, too.

It’s only been two years since I lost about 2/3rds of my belongings, after the move here. Most of the things in this house are new. I lost my fish, dog Clyde and a ton of plants, things I was attached to. Honestly, it still hurts to have lost the dog.

I’m struck by the phrase, “There’s the enemy.” No one said it was inappropriate. No one came to my rescue. No one stuck up for me. Again, I was an unwelcome outsider. Growing up as the enemy, the unwelcome child, was painful. I knew I wasn’t loved. I knew she didn’t want me for anything other than abuse. I was worthless to her and she did not even try to hide it.


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4 thoughts on “The unwelcome child

  1. Hi Jordan, and hi Faith. This is such a painful post to read. Who can treat a child as an enemy? You deserved so much better! I’m sad and also angry on your behalf. Sending love and so many healing wishes, Q.

    1. Fortunately as an adult I’ve found comfort with good friends who treat me like family. What I didn’t get as a child I have double as an adult. Even so, it was quite painful being in my mother’s home.

      Love and well wishes your way, too. ❤

      1. So much of this resonates with me. I was an unloved child too and I know the sting of that.

        How wonderful that you have double now what you didn’t get then, but my heart still hurts for your little girl self.

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