I’ve been struggling emotionally since the GYN appointment. It was a bit much for me. Sleep has been rough and anxiety has been really high. I’m kind of struggling a bit.

We talked about continuing deep breathing and lavender for anxiety relief. We also talked about the anxiety that comes with this CNA just up and quitting like she did. Back to the drawing board, he said. Yup, only its not like things are the same. I no longer allow people to stay here that are abusive or dismissive in some way. I no longer feel desperate which means I won’t allow just any person to come in my home and treat me any way they want. That had to end. The CNA that quit had her issues but she wasn’t abusive or dismissive, just immature and mouthy. They’re all mouthy it seems. Can’t get around that one. I really liked her though and wish she could have gotten herself together.

Dr. D and I talked about how some people believe that when there’s a disagreement then someone has to leave. That’s exactly what this CNA did. Instead of dealing with this issue of not having transportation she just freaked out and left. Yes, she may have only had 2 weeks left here but I thought we enjoyed one another. Now I’m feeling thrown away and easily expendable.

Dr. D and I discussed how difficult it is for me to feel that a person is angry with me. It all but makes me double over. Not all of me feels this way. Robert can take the anger but the others of us are immobilized by it, completely knocked off our feet.

We also discussed seeing the new Family Doctor / General Practitioner (GP), the doctor we saw a very long time ago. He remembered us well. He remembered that we have DID and said he’s looking forward to treating “all of us.” LOL. I hope he will see growth in me and not hold my past behaviors against me. As he stated, I was really struggling when I saw him so long ago. I wasn’t healthy at all.

When the new GP touched my leg I jumped. Argh! Some things never change. Touch gets me every time! The GYN I saw the other day hugged me twice and I just froze. Definitely didn’t hug him back. Anyway, touch is not my thing. I do however, miss hugging my friends. This pandemic has kept us apart which means I can only give air hugs to them. I hate that. When I was able to make it to the Kingdom Hall I was getting about 20 hugs a week. It was crazy love. I was loving it, eating it up. Now I’m all but starving for a real hug from a friend. In time, I suppose. In time.

Last but not least, I can’t remember if I said this in another post or not but, my Hematologist decided I had enough pain on my plate and is going to give me pain meds. The script isn’t enough to take every single day, just when the pain is too much for me. I tend to want to take pain meds when I’ve been at a 9 for two days or more. That’s too much for me. When he offered I felt like I’d won the lottery. I couldn’t believe it. Finally!!! Good. What a relief.

So that was my session. He’s working from home right now because someone in his office tested positive for COVID-19. He’ll be working from home for a few weeks at least. It doesn’t affect our sessions though.


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