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Anxiety The People Behind My Eyes

The Pandemic is Changing Me

The pandemic has changed me. The long isolation time has made me clingy and more emotionally dependent on my caregivers.

Today I wasn’t going to have a caregiver but my CNA came anyway, despite having a tooth pulled. I couldn’t believe she came. She said she wanted to make sure I had something to eat. šŸ˜Š She’s sweet. She really is.Ā When I thought I wasn’t going to have care I panicked and decided it’s better to sleep than feel such anxiety.

I feel angry and like I’ve been abandoned. Fear of being alone is exaggerated, more intense than usual.

The only people I actually see in person are my caregivers. Everyone else I talk to over Zoom, twice a week. Talking to friends over Zoom twice a week is better than nothing, but it still leaves me craving in person companionship. This companionship falls in the lap of a 19 year old child who is my CNA. And while I really like her, I have to say that the convention is less than mentally stimulating. She tries though, she does try!

This pandemic is dragging on so but I’m determined to stay isolated until it’s safer to come out. Today I got a letter from my apartment manager that someone in the building is positive for the virus. I’m worried for the people here but not overly for myself. Everyone is above the age of 55 or wheelchair bound. We are all high risk individuals. While I’m isolated except for the aides, these people sit on the porch close to one another and visit each other like everything is fine. Um, clearly it’s not.

It’s not going to be ok for a while. I’m determined to hang in, but I wonder what else the pandemic will change in me?

Faith

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