Content: A very emotional writing. Trauma, current as well as PTSD.

Today during my therapy session Dr. D and I discussed something traumatic that took place August 6th of this year. We’ve talked about it a lot and have processed how I feel as well as how others inside feel. However, this conversation took place because my CNA came and brought up painful memories. I asked her to switch subjects but she kept right on talking until I burst into tears. She doesn’t know. As a matter of fact I’ve spoken of it with few people and I haven’t written about it on this journal.

Here on this journal I have said nothing about what happened because I didn’t know how. There’s absolutely nothing written about it. Today Dr. D and I discussed why I’ve not said anything, and even now I can’t flat out say it. It appears that I still respond to these things like a survivor, a child survivor. Who will believe me? They’ll ask a ton of questions I just can’t answer. What about the shame and the fear of the words themselves? What happens if I decided to be ‘courageous’ and say these things yet a disparaging comments comes in? More than that, there’s the feeling of guilt.

I’d rather just curl up and forget. I want to survive it without pressure of how I’m surviving it. I don’t want to hear how I have to do this or have to do that. I just want to survive this.

I expected my entire world to collapse. I expected to stop trusting again. I expected to hate life but what I’ve found is that while I am struggling with it quite a bit, I haven’t stopped trusting those who have proven that they are trustworthy. I still trust my friends. I still trust my therapist. And yes, things get really, really dark some days but overall I don’t feel destroyed. So I ask myself, does it mean it wasn’t that bad? Yes it was that bad.

I have coping skills that I am holding on to. I have a therapist that is willing to go as slowly as I need. There is no pressure. I just don’t need the pressure and expectations. I’m only one person and I am breakable.

Dr. D asked if it brings up other PTSD issues. Anxiety is very high. My sleep can be a mess but I’ve got some aides for that. I’ve got a nice nightlight / Nebula projector that helps calm me. I’ve got lavender, a nice soft blanket and of course Joe. A nice cup of tea is helpful, too. Holding my favorite cup has a safe feeling to it.

There’s anger for what happened and there’s fear when I see it flash in my head, but I think I’ll find a way to get more emotionally stabilized. What choice do I have that is acceptable other than survival?


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3 thoughts on “Guilt. Shame. Fear.

  1. I’m so sorry that you had something terrible happen on top of everything else you have had to go through. Thank goodness you have someone you still can trust with the story. I’m relieved you haven’t lost your ability to trust.

    You are a warm, caring person and a gifted artist. No matter what you have experienced, the beauty of who you are doesn’t change. And though I know it can be hard to feel it, you don’t need to carry guilt, shame and fear. You are completely worthy, lovable and fine just as you are. 💕

  2. Hugs. I hate that you’ve had yet another traumatic experience. I know each one can feel like another straw on the camel’s back. This was lovely, and I wish you more healing and recognition this, at least, isn’t childhood in therapy and elsewhere.

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