Content: A very emotional writing. Trauma, current as well as PTSD.
Today during my therapy session Dr. D and I discussed something traumatic that took place August 6th of this year. We’ve talked about it a lot and have processed how I feel as well as how others inside feel. However, this conversation took place because my CNA came and brought up painful memories. I asked her to switch subjects but she kept right on talking until I burst into tears. She doesn’t know. As a matter of fact I’ve spoken of it with few people and I haven’t written about it on this journal.
Here on this journal I have said nothing about what happened because I didn’t know how. There’s absolutely nothing written about it. Today Dr. D and I discussed why I’ve not said anything, and even now I can’t flat out say it. It appears that I still respond to these things like a survivor, a child survivor. Who will believe me? They’ll ask a ton of questions I just can’t answer. What about the shame and the fear of the words themselves? What happens if I decided to be ‘courageous’ and say these things yet a disparaging comments comes in? More than that, there’s the feeling of guilt.
I’d rather just curl up and forget. I want to survive it without pressure of how I’m surviving it. I don’t want to hear how I have to do this or have to do that. I just want to survive this.
I expected my entire world to collapse. I expected to stop trusting again. I expected to hate life but what I’ve found is that while I am struggling with it quite a bit, I haven’t stopped trusting those who have proven that they are trustworthy. I still trust my friends. I still trust my therapist. And yes, things get really, really dark some days but overall I don’t feel destroyed. So I ask myself, does it mean it wasn’t that bad? Yes it was that bad.
I have coping skills that I am holding on to. I have a therapist that is willing to go as slowly as I need. There is no pressure. I just don’t need the pressure and expectations. I’m only one person and I am breakable.
Dr. D asked if it brings up other PTSD issues. Anxiety is very high. My sleep can be a mess but I’ve got some aides for that. I’ve got a nice nightlight / Nebula projector that helps calm me. I’ve got lavender, a nice soft blanket and of course Joe. A nice cup of tea is helpful, too. Holding my favorite cup has a safe feeling to it.
There’s anger for what happened and there’s fear when I see it flash in my head, but I think I’ll find a way to get more emotionally stabilized. What choice do I have that is acceptable other than survival?