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Abuse Anxiety I'm only human Major Depression PTSD The People Behind My Eyes

Quiet Connections

The Young One (my CNA) showed up looking lost. She put her head on the table and looked at her phone a bit. I didn’t know what to say. The thing is, she’s here to assist me, not the other way around. But my heart goes out to her.

We didn’t talk much. We don’t try to entertain one another, which is good.

After breakfast we decided get some more fish for my Betta Sorority tank. Buying fish gave us the opportunity to get out of the house and breathe a little. I always enjoy looking at the fish and frogs and such so it was great for me. I figured this would be my last chance to get fish before more COVID-19 restrictions and real winter weather sets in.

Fish are soothing and Bettas are easy to care for. I finally rehomed the goldfish. I had to. They were getting too big for the tank and I couldn’t keep it up. My original hope was this Sorority tank which is totally live planted. Next month I’ll add a school of little fish and finish off that project. This is part of the apartment decorating I’m doing. The nice area rug for the room is set for next month as well. I’m broke as all get out right now. Lol. That’s ok. I don’t really need anything.

So, it seems my CNA and I have an unspoken link in being survivors. And even though things are not perfect with her, I’m happy she’s my CNA.

Funny how some kid has comes along and added energy to the house as well as support. She’s a good kid at 19 years of age. Oh, and, she’s a triplet. They’re all the spitting image of each other. My goodness, and they are all CNAs for the same company. How they keep them straight is beyond me.

We haven’t talked about details. I haven’t asked about it at all because I can’t. But what I can do is give a safe, calm environment, one I’m known to have. People comment all the time about how peaceful it is here and how stress free it is. I strive to keep my home that way. I can offer her this place to work. Even when I can’t offer anything else, I can give a healthy environment. That feels good to give.

What a crazy world we live in. What a complex, crazy world! I’m just happy I can close it out. I’m struggling in my own head with what happened. My dreams are bad. I wake up every 2 hours in a panic. My appetite is nill. I can’t turn my back to anyone now without being very afraid. I don’t know how to sooth this. I don’t know how to make it better or just go away. So that’s where I am with my own issues.

I have a different CNA on weekends. The one I have today is high anxiety, a survivor as well. I like her a lot. She’s been working weekends for me for over a year. She’s not stress free but she’s consistent and timely and we get along well.

I’m going to log off and get some reading done before she gets here.

Keep your head up,

Faith

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